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Transition

April 14, 2008 by Karen 

3 years, 5 months and a day ago, I met the most important person of my entire life: my daughter, Zaiden Victoria. In that one moment, my life was forever changed. Words cannot express the miracle, the joy, the love contained in that moment. I remember it so vividly, so completely with all of my senses. And I will never be the same.

There is stage during birth called Transition. It is the climactic moment that is often told dramatically in films and hilariously in sit-coms. If you are not prepared, or even if you are, it can be one of the most frightening turning points of one’s life. In entertainment, it is often depicted with the mother-to- be yelling profanities at her partner and shouting things like “You did this to me!” and “Gimme drugs!” For me, I almost lost control. (Well, okay, maybe I did actually lose control…) I remember saying “Forget it, I really don’t want a baby any more,” and “Is it too late to change my mind?” and even “I wanna go HOME!” (Did I mention I had a Home- birth?!) This was in between the barn-animal sounds and profanities. Thank goodness Rick and I had taken an education course and I had an incredible birth team. My doula and midwife had had 14 (!) children between them and had assisted over 2000 births, so they pretty much knew what they were doing.

Ironically, this moment- Transition- is a good sign! It means that the baby is just about to come. It is accompanied by a lovely feeling affectionately known as “the ring of Fire.” HELLO! It literally feels as though your vagina has caught fire and is simultaneously passing a porcupine!! If you have never experienced it, don’t even try to imagine the pain. But knowing that you are about to meet your child somehow makes it (almost) bearable.

For me, I was ready to get up off the floor and quit. Not that that was an option! I remember my incredible doula lying on the floor next to me. (If you don’t know, a doula is a must-have in birth. She helps you through, emotionally and physically in a way that your partner simply cannot- without getting his face chewed off! Mine was the indispensable Julia.) She looked deep into my eyes and gave me strength. She said to me, quite firmly, “Kalena, you can do this. You WILL do this. You cannot go around the pain, or under it or over it. You have to go THROUGH it, there is no other way. I believe in you. We all believe in you. Your life is about to change beyond your wildest imagination. Now DO IT!” And suddenly it all clicked for me. I gathered up all the strength I could find- probably borrowed a bit from my new baby- and in one more push, my perfect little 8 pound, 1 ounce Zaiden flew out of my body like a rocket! I was on my hands and knees and Rick did not even have a chance to readjust himself to “catch” her. She soared out and into the arms of the graceful Kaye, the mid-wife, who slid her effortlessly between my knees and under my body. Everything stopped.

My heart flew open. I didn’t breathe. I just stared at this tiny little being. My daughter. There were no words. I didn’t even cry. I just took her in with all of my senses. I was in awe. And I have never been the same.

I share this on the 40th anniversary of my own birth to draw a parallel to my healing. If you have been following my story or (God help you!) spent any time with me of late, you may have noticed that spark of joy had extinguished, the spring in my step halted, the zing in my voice has been absent. It has been a rough period, to put it mildly. I thought I already came through the hardest part back in July, when I was told of my fate and was able to say “No way!” When I stood up to my medical team and refused treatment. When I planned my funeral.

Nope. The best was yet to come. It has been as if my body had turned itself inside out so that I could purge, once and for all, the tumors, the demons, the darkness from within and let the light shine shine shine. In doing so, I was left with raw, exposed wounds that needed tending. I wasn’t prepared for this phase of my healing and so reacted like a trapped animal at times. I found myself complaining constantly, stirring up old grievances, making real the distant past and worrying about the future. I forgot about the here and now. I forgot to Reach for the Joy.

Around Christmas, I had surrendered completely. And by surrender I do not mean that I gave up or gave in. No, quite the opposite. I let go and let God- A phrase familiar to 12-steppers. It comes as no surprise that my faith in God has catapulted me onto a whole new path. And I am really happy here. I don’t think I push my faith on others (and if I ever do, please gently stop me) because I believe that we all have our walk to walk. For me, surrender meant that I detached from the outcome. If I am going to live, great! If not, I am cool with that too. I have long talks with God every day- especially where it concerns my daughter- and I am constantly reassured that she will be just fine no matter what. She chose me (I believe), cancer and all.

Throughout this past year, I have certainly been on quite a ride. And the past two months have been the most difficult by far. Like the Transition of birth, the shedding of old patterns and belief systems that created the disease has had to be, quite literally pushed out of my body and soul. I have felt completely turned inside out, as though my spirit was being deep cleaned. And as this process occurred, I have literally experienced all the old stuff all over again. When we detox, the cleansing can often be as difficult if not more so, than being sick, because as the old stuff passes through, you really have to see it, smell it, taste it, touch it- FEEL it- all over again.

It has not been easy- or pretty. I have found myself in some very dark places. I have heard myself rehashing ancient patterns as if to purge them once and for all. Complaining, grieving, crying, letting go.

The point I am making is I could never see past 39 because I was so shrouded in the past- in my negative view of the past. I spent a lot of time and energy blaming others for my problems and lack. I created a victim and she no longer serves me. I could not see me at 40 and beyond because I was not ready to see this new version of me- that is Spirit, Light and Love. We all are and that is all we are. We are One Spirit. And I am in awe.

My parents and my brothers have remained faithful and positive, somehow continuing to believe in me in moments when I thought all hope was lost. My Mom keeps reminding me to look forward, not back, and has offered sacrifices I hadn’t even considered. These people have seen me through 40 years of more drama than one family deserves. And while I know that I chose them and they chose me, and I deserve all the love in the world, as do they- I have to say again and again, I am grateful to these people for so many things, but most especially for being there for me every step of the way in their own ways.

I have done a whole lot of deep healing of the past and I think I am ready to let it go for good. I have decided that if I am going to ever look back, it is only going to be at the beauty and the joy. We can frame our visions however we choose. From now on, I will literally focus the lens on the beautiful memories. Like walking home from middle school in the rain after missing the bus, cold and scared I was going to get in trouble (wait… it really is a beautiful ending) only to be greeted at the door with a hug and a towel, the fireplace crackling and chocolate chip cookies in the oven. Or my brother Dave deciding that I needed a step stool, so he asked a family friend to help him make me one, and he spent weeks in the basement secretly handcrafting a gorgeous wooden stool with a pink butterfly rug remnant tacked to the top, and the look on his face as he proudly presented it to me for my 8th birthday. And playing dress up with my “baby” brother, Mark- who loved to play “The Fonz.” And Daddy making a surprise visit to New Jersey (from Colorado), and arriving during dinner time with a new car for us. There are all sorts of gems like these that I will treasure always. These are the stories of my childhood that I will paint for my Zaiden.

And when I find it necessary to dig up a painful memory, I will frame it with the lesson.

Early on in this part of my journey I talked a lot about Reaching for the Joy. I know that this is what saved me from perishing early on. I had to regain my strength in order to truly face myself and the demons I had invited to share in my experience- and invite them to leave, once and for all. I am certain now that there are no coincidences, no mistakes. Everything has unfolded exactly the way it needed to for me to get it. I am grateful to the people who have held my hand and my heart through every step of this beautiful walk: my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends. I could not have done it alone. None of us can. We are all interconnected. We are all One.

I cannot say “I have arrived,” because then there would be no reason for me to remain here in these Earthly clothes. But I am awakening, every day, unfolding the petals a little bit more. Before, I could only glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I can feel its warmth on my face. And what a magnificent feeling! I know that I have a long life ahead of me and it will not always be easy, but I am ready to walk with my Spirit first and let go of the outcome. Reaching for the JOY along the way.

In Spirit- In Harmony- In Love,
Kalena

When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho’ your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never, ever walk alone.
- Words And Music by Oscar Hammerstein II & Richard Rogers

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