The Threshold

April 2, 2008 by Karen 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marriane Willaimson

I never could see past 39. So when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness last year, I really wasn’t all too surprised. It was as if somehow I knew this was my destiny and I was ready to accept it. Throughout my life I have received little clues into my future as if I were watching a film- and I would only realize after they had come to pass that I somehow knew this too. I saw that I would marry a music man, beard and all, and I would be too young and make a big mess of it all, but learn so much about myself and about love. I saw that I would have a daughter “later” in life; That I would not “make it” as an actor, but would find myself succeeding in other ways I had never dreamt of- once my temples were graying. Little glimpses of my life like these were given to me in pictures periodically. And I never really trusted that any of these scenes would actually play out until they did, and then I could say to myself, Ah, yes, I saw this.

So when the doctors named my dis-ease back in July, I thought, Hm, I saw this, too. I guessed I was seeing that my life would end before 40. And as difficult as that was to swallow, eventually I came to accept this as my fate. And once I surrendered to the possibility, the real healing began. Yet now I see this image so differently. I see that this near-death experience was a part of my walk from the very beginning and that it would be a wake up call, not a death sentence. And the success I forsaw has nothing to do with fame or fortune or even my ego. But instead it was seeing into my future that part of me that is only beginning to emerge. And that I was not yet ready to see this new Me who is stepping out of the fire, like the Phoenix. Blossoming out of the mud, like the Lotus. There is a brilliance that is emerging that I was not yet ready to see, that I would not have been able to handle in my old self’s eyes. Because this new self is stripped of ego. And I am hanging on, right now, for dear life to that very same ego that is trying to destroy me. Which is why, as I stand here at the threshold of something much larger than myself, I am squinting into the light.

We all have this light within us. You can see it more vibrantly in some. And it is our right to let our light shine! Eckert Tolle says in his A New Earth, “The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness.” And every day I find myself waking up just a little bit more to the light within. When I listen, the messages are the same wherever I look: Be Present, Forgive, Let Go of All Grievances, Surrender. Simple, right? Easy? No way!

This deep healing work I have been undergoing these few months has revealed so many truths to myself. Some I have shared openly. Others I still veil painfully, even from me. One big truth that I have come to understand is that somewhere along the line I decided that I was not good enough. I decided (no more blame here) that I was not worthy of love, money, relationships, jobs, stuff … And so it really comes as no surprise where I now sit: dealing with terminal dis-ease, a second failed marriage, deeply in debt, and scared out of my mind. Without faith, I don’t know where I would be, because I am literally groping around in the darkness at the bottom of the well.

During a particularly deep healing the other day I discovered that I literally invited cancer in to my body. I mean, I suppose I knew this at some level. The way I see life, we don’t get anything that we don’t somehow ask for. But I saw it so clearly: the precise moment and the exact reason that I invited this dark force to take over my healthy cells. This was a painful revelation, but I feel it is important to share, at the risk of facing judgment. Because if my words can help even one person heal, my life was worthwhile.

This life has always been very difficult to me. For as long as I can remember, I have always been easily hurt, extremely sensitive, fragile. Why I was never able to maintain a close attachment to a friend for more than a handful of months (unless, of course they conveniently lived a few thousand miles away!) was absolutely beyond my understanding. I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I always messed up somewhere along the line. I always thought of myself as something of a pleaser, and yet I would nearly always find that I was the one who upset the apple cart. I tried desperately to make others happy, only to find myself in tears. I look back over my life and see a smiling face with a broken heart in almost every scenario. And I could never figure out how things unraveled, yet I would find that my hand was the one holding the string. I need to be clear here: This is meant in no way to cast blame on anyone! I have come to realize that I have spent so much time and energy pointing my finger at others for the failures in my life. This is truly self discovery that I feel is absolutely essential to the healing of my soul. Whether I can heal in this lifetime or not is really not up to me. I can only attempt to understand who I am. Our mission or function in this life, I feel, is to remember who we are. And I am starting to remember.

I have always been super sensitive. I believe also that the very attributes that are attractive in us are the very same traits when turned up too high get us into all of the trouble in our lives. So the fact that I have such access to my emotional life makes me a good actor, a good teacher, even, perhaps a good friend. But man, it sure makes it difficult to go through the ups and downs of this life! I find myself in tears about the most mundane things when I am feeling vulnerable, like someone cutting me off in traffic, or my oatmeal order getting screwed up at a diner. I try desperately to be a positive and loving person. Yet I find myself deeply wounded over the slightest things. And I know in my brain that nothing anyone does should be taken personally, because we are all groping around in the darkness, looking for ourselves. Yet truly grasping that lesson is the hardest one for me.

So how does this all translate to where I now sit? Well, let me tell you. None of this was conscious, but as I do my deep healing, which is kind of like a self hypnosis, I find myself having conversations with my higher self and revealing things to my conscious self that I had no idea was going on. Recently I heard myself say that I decided that life was just too damned hard, but that I was too afraid to take my own life. And this realization came just after the birth of my daughter. So I couldn’t just go and ‘off’ myself, now, could I? Somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that if only… then I’d be happy. Many of us do this. Fill in the blank. If only I had ___, if only I didn’t have ___, if only he would ___, if only she were___. Easy to blame our lives on circumstances and my personal favorite: other people! No such luck, you still wake up with yourself every day… So I willed the presence of a higher vibrational being into my body and had a daughter. I thought that finally life would give me what I thought I deserved: no fighting, only kindness and loving thoughts. Again, no such luck. The week Zaiden was born, there were arguments, problems, overwhelming moments, dirty dishes, people with agendas, Bush in office again. I thought (subconsciously, of course!) that if this is supposed to be when life is finally at its most gentle, I don’t know if I can take much more of it. It is just too damned hard! And so right around then, I invited the disease. I heard myself (in my self- talk in a healing session the other day) reveal that I subconsciously thought “I’ll show them!” Who? I have no idea, really. It doesn’t even matter. But I really felt that maybe if I got really- I mean REALLY sick, people would be nice and the fighting would stop. Not just in my local vicsinity, but all of it! Politics, war, road rage, would all come to a screeching halt if I got cancer. (Some ego, right?!) And then I would handle it all with grace and poise and positivity. My daughter would grow up thinking that her mother died an angel- a good fairy- something better than I am. Better than I deserve.

So I got my wish- almost. And once I got there and I was lying in a hospital bed being told I had six months to two years, I got really scared. I sat on the fence for awhile. Sometimes I feel as though I am still there. Because if THIS is as good as it gets, I don’t want to play anymore! If even with cancer in my spine, breasts and organs, there is still fighting and tears and pain, what in the hell is the point of it all!!? And yet I had to get strong again so I could reveal this discovery. So I could really learn this lesson so that I don’t have to relive it in the next lifetime.

And here I sit, on the verge of 40. And I don’t know if I want to live or die. This is not meant to be dramatic. This is a deeply serious question I have been asking of myself for many weeks now. Because my daughter needs me. She needs me to show her how to be strong in spite of her sensitive heart. She needs me to hold her hand and tell her that she IS good enough. She is worthy. I have found myself in such a rage over years of painful blame that I don’t know how to get off. I find myself broke, deeply in debt and begging for alms. No energy to work, unsure of what I have to offer the world. Feeling completely overwhelmed by the thought of venturing out on my own, but knowing there is no other chance for survival. Whenever I think I am surely scraping bottom, God takes something else. I don’t know if I can handle much more.

My body wants to get strong. But the war going on inside of me is holding me back from the healing. I feel it. I want to surrender to God’s will, yet I find myself impatient and wanting to know all the answers now.

So here I sit, on the fence of life and death. On the threshold of the rest of my life. And I don’t even know my name anymore.

I write these words for clarity, for prayer, for the sake of someone who may read this and glean some hope for themselves. I surrender. Right now I feel all hope is lost. But then I remember that I am not my body and that I am entitled to a Miracle, capable of anything. I surrender, because I have no other choice. I surrender, because I want to move on in this life time and the next in a way that creates joy for myself and others.

Thank you for your prayers. I need every one.

With Boundless Gratitude-
Kalena

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But, I refuse to be reduced by it”
~~ Maya Angelou

Filed under: Living Journal

Comments

Comments are closed.