The Spirit of Christmas is Yours Every Day.

December 21, 2007 by Karen 

I have been searching for a subject worthy of the season. It is so easy to sound cliché. Deck the Halls and Peace on Earth, Fa La La La La… But for me, this one is a little extra special.

I am consciously aware that this could very well be the last Christmas I have to share with my family. It could be for any one of us, of course. But for me, it feels heightened this year. And it is not just “Christmas.” It is every day. I am hyper aware that this may be my last sunset or my last goodnight kiss…

At this writing, I have just made a very painful decision, and that is to cancel my trip to Denver to see my extended family for the Holidays. It has been a dream of mine to spend this very important Christmas with my parents and my siblings, as well as my husband and daughter. The whole package all wrapped up in one gigantic ribbon. The fact is my health is such that I feel it would be detrimental and even dangerous to travel and add that stress to my now fragile little body. So I made a number of difficult phone calls tonight to let everyone know of my plans to cancel.

I know this last minute cancellation has hurt others’ plans- both emotional and financial. And everyone has handled this all with such grace and kindness. It is hard for me to let others down. And I am learning to forgive and be kinder and gentler with myself. That this Christmas could be my last is always in my thoughts somewhere, and it is helping me to cherish each moment, each gift, each smile. And I will see my extended family- it will just be on a different day.

I want to share with you so many of the discoveries I am having that are both personal and universal. I have a lot to share right now that is all jumbled up with emotions, with shoulds and shouldn’ts, with what is “appropriate” to share. I will sort it out and, I hope, be able to share some of these discoveries in the coming weeks. But for now, let this serve…

The bottom line is, this dis-ease has brought me more blessings than it has challenges, and I am grateful for both. Because both are teaching me to be a better person and I hope I am extending those lessons to you. I believe that the writing I am doing is not only teaching me, but is also influencing those who read my words and that is such a blessing in itself.

I wrote a very long exposition last week that was extremely cathartic and illuminating. A sort of cleansing of old, ancient “stuff.” I now realize I had clung to and even defined myself by the sufferings of my past. These events had become a part of “my story,” and it just wasn’t healthy for me to hang on any longer. And it made me draw a parallel to this part of my journey.

When I was diagnosed back in July, I decided right then and there that I was NOT going to spend my last days feeling sorry for myself or angry with the world because I am sick. I was determined to enJOY each and every day, “Whether I have 20 days or 20 years.” When I made that statement five months ago, I had no idea of the impact it would have on my life experience. Imagine had I chosen to remain bitter or cry out “Why Me?” and spent all of my energy being angry! There were times this summer when I never thought I would see my daughter’s next birthday. How I relished the day she turned three!! Oh, don’t get me wrong. I have my share of pity parties from time to time, but they do not confiscate all of my thoughts. They don’t hijack my life, and define who I am!

And even now, when I meet new people I hear myself explaining that I am the way that I am because of this dis-ease. I have even heard the phrase “My C—–“ come out of my mouth. I was very gently reminded by one of my many angels this week that I do not need to define myself in this way. I am so much more than this illness! I am a friend and a mother, a wife and a woman, a teacher and a writer. I have to remind myself when I am meeting someone for the first time that they did not have the benefit of knowing the “old me,” and that this new version of me is just great the way I am!

I am grateful for all that has come my way since this huge shift in my life. And I am working on accepting that all of the blessings and gifts I have received are not because of my illness. They are simply because of ME. Because this illness has allowed me to learn to receive. And that is a gift in and of itself!

It is easy to define ourselves by our sufferings. And most of us often do. But we do have a choice! We can say “Thank you for these challenges”- whatever they are- a car accident, a lost job, a broken childhood, a bankruptcy, divorce, or terminal illness… and look for the GIFT in the loss. Because the gifts are abundant! With each and every loss.

I am beginning to see the pieces of the puzzle that is my life all come into focus and it is all perfect exactly the way it has played out! I don’t believe that things are predetermined for us. I definitely believe we have the gift of free will. And that free will enables us to decide how we face the difficulties thrown at us. Because we all suffer. That is the human experience. No regrets, only lessons learned. And if we can look for the lessons and the JOY in all of life, and help others do the same, I think that is the ultimate Secret to a life well lived!

I was thinking about the whole Christmas/ Santa thing today. Before I had a child, I never knew if I would perpetuate the myth and “lie” to my kid. But now that I am here and have an amazingly imaginative three year old who is embracing the world of fantasy, it occurred to me that fantasy and pretend are what I did for many years as an actor. And part of the fun for both actor and audience is getting caught up in the story. Some day when Zaiden asks if Santa (or anything else for that matter) is “real,” I hope that she will be told that it is all as real as her heart chooses to embrace.

Life can be whatever we choose. If we make it our goal to create happiness and JOY around us and bring it to others, then Santa Claus is very, very real.

Merry Christmas and Happy TODAY!!

Kalena

Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.
-Leigh Hunt – founder of The Examiner, which introduced the world to Shelley, Byron and Keats. (1784 – 1859)

Some think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.
-Sylvia Robinson (1936-) Record producer. She brought us The Sugarhill Gang of “Rappers’ Delight”

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
-Helen Keller (1880 – 1968)

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
-George Santayana (poet and philosopher) 1863-1952

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
-Thich Nhat Hanh (1926-) A very influential Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace advocate

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
-Unknown

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