Surrender

March 17, 2008 by Karen 

I just returned from a week at OHI- Optimum Health Institute. If you have been following my journey from the beginning, you know that I spent two weeks out at this healing retreat in Bastrop- just an hour from my home in NW Austin- right after I was released from the hospital in July, broken and confused. I came out, then a new person. I believe that my experiences at OHI back in the summer were the springboard I needed to get myself on track to my healing at a deep level. Deeper than I even knew existed within me.

The program itself is designed as a triad detox. It is a raw food retreat that includes spiritual, mental and body work. The holistic approach to healing makes so much sense to me. It is certainly not just for cancer patients. It is for ANYONE needing to get his or her life back on track. I wish I could send everyone I love to OHI for even a week! I have met some incredible people who have come to OHI for as many reasons as imaginable- diabetes, arthritis, weight loss, smoking secession, you name it. You go for one reason and you gain so much more. And every experience is unique.

It is a three-week program designed around the 21-day theory: It takes 21 days to create a new (healthy) habit. As I believe everything has a way of working out exactly the way it is supposed to, I was only able to attend two weeks in the summer. I had just been away from my little girl for three weeks, except for our daily 30-minute visits to the hospital, and the thought of being away from her one more day was hurting me as deeply as the cancer. But I knew that there was something within this program that I needed desperately, and I am so glad I listened to my intuition then. My beloved God- Mother made it possible for me to attend this summer, and the good people at OHI extended a scholarship for my return to complete the program last week. The timing could not have been better, of course, as God knows what is best for each of us far better than we ever could.

I certainly had expectations going in this time around. I knew the program. Last time, the physical detox was TOUGH! Of course, then I was just coming off of at least 20 meds, including chemotherapy, so there was a lot of real nasty stuff pushing its way out of me, physically. I went in in August with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. I knew all about detox and eating raw and exercise. What could I possibly have to learn? I had, after all, been a vegetarian and a novice health food advocate and nutritionist for years. I was pretty resentful then of my situation. I was “the healthy one” and here I was, in a detox program with cancer?! I looked around me and thought I knew more than my teachers and felt a bit like a rebellious teen, brooding in the corner for the first few days. Then the unraveling began.

For me, it started with the fellowship. The people I met on both of my visits were incredible. As always, I will refrain from mentioning any names, to protect those whom I have grown to love so quickly. But they know who they are. OHI offers a curriculum of classes that are mandatory for course completion. I went to every class, even if I needed to sleep through parts of them. (I was really sick back then!) I brought my handmade quilt from my Las Vegas playgroup with me to every class to wrap myself up in all that beautiful baby love and Mommy friendship. I was shaking and cold, when I wasn’t nauseous and sweating through my cotton pajamas, my standard attire on my previous visit. The third day of class, they offer a course called “You Validation.” Maybe this is a novel idea to some, but to me, it is an acting exercise I do early on with my students to get them used to being “on stage” and to build a sense of camaraderie. So even with this, I came in with a sort of expectation and even perhaps judgment. Looking back, I was quite a brat, considering the state of my health! The idea of the exercise is everyone sits in a circle and one by one, each person says something positive about one another (everyone gets a turn in the hot seat- or in our case, the one holding the Kleenex box is the one who gets all the love) I thought, “Hm, no one here knows me. And they probably all think I am a bitchy whiney brat. All I have done is complained and kept to myself. I am not even cute anymore. I feel sorry for these people having to come up with something nice to say to me.” Well, was I ever wrong!!

There was a young lady on the program there with her beautiful Mom. Her mother is handling her own cancer journey and had come to OHI with her three daughters: Two in high school and one in college. I had seen the four of them interact in the three days we’d been to meals together and had witnessed the love that existed between these three and can honestly say I have never seen daughters- especially of this age group- so in love with their mother. It was a beautiful sight to behold. When it came time for the eldest to share her thoughts about me, I expected her to dismiss me easily with “You have pretty blue eyes” or “You give great hugs.” Kind of a standard if you don’t know the other person yet, which is often the case this early in the program. This 20 year old opened her heart and spoke words about my bravery and commitment and how no matter what, I had always a kind word and a warm smile. How, in the face of cancer I had not given up, nor have I done battle, but that she witnessed true surrender. I tell you, she had the whole room in tears whenever she spoke about anyone, she was that kind of eloquent.

This woman-child made me rethink the entire program and in fact, my life that night. I don’t think I was quite cognizant of the impact of her words until now, as I return from the program, once again raw to the core, as my heart and my spirit have been peeled back a few more layers. But from that day forward, I began to release my vice-like grip on my life and surrender to my Higher Power. It has taken me a long time, and I still look down now and again and see my knuckles turning white and need to remind myself that God has me in Her embrace and will never let me fall. Not completely. I know this in the deepest parts of me.

I met my soul back then and I have been enjoying getting to know this part of me that was once reserved, or so I thought, for “Now I Lay me Down to Sleep…” I think so many of us reserve that part of us for later. As if the soul is the part of us that gets to reap the rewards of Heaven if we are good, or the other if we don’t watch our step. When in fact, our Soul is all that we are. This body is like a costume we put on for a little while, while we try to remember who we really are.

It is easy to say these new agey buzzwords and think we are getting the message. Oprah-isms like “AHA moments” and such. But I have been blessed by the opportunity to really dig in deep since my diagnosis changed the focus of my life so completely. And now I know that my Soul is the true and only me. The rest is temporary. I try to see others from this deep soul level, too. The best image I have right now is that God is Love, which we all learned at some point in Sunday school or Hebrew school or from a grandparent or teacher along the way. And love is everywhere. And God/Love is Energy or Light. So I have this picture now of this intense bright kinetic energy field that goes on infinitely in space and all around our tiny planet and in and around everything in it. Come down the rabbit hole with me, won’t you!? So let’s imagine this energy has a source (which since there is no beginning or end, it cannot, but I cannot wrap my mind around infinity, yet!). Picture this source as a sort of love factory, if you will. It is bright beyond belief, beautiful beyond words. And every moment, a tiny piece of itself rolls out of the base to become a living being- animal, plant, human… And they are all equally significant, because they are all of the same source. Like the drops of water that are parts of the ocean.

So this tiny piece of Love/Energy/God floats through space and time (an illusion that we have created) and along the way picks up a shell with which to define ourselves: A body. And then we come to planet earth. And we are still this source Energy/Love/God. Look at a baby. Really watch a baby as she talks to angels and fairies. They remember. And as we grow and acclimate into the world, we forget. We forget we are LOVE. And we go looking for it outside of ourselves. When all along, it IS US! (Animals, I don’t think, ever forget!) I am sad to see my own little baby girl forgetting, but this is a part of the game we sign up for when we enter this life!

I have spoken of Caroline Myss and her incredible work, of which I have only scratched the surface. I was fortunate to attend a weekend of her healing workshop this past weekend- on the heals of my OHI experience. I will need some time to digest these teachings before I can write about them, but I had this visual: Around 7 years old- the age of Reason, we unplug. Before 7, children are so connected to source, they talk to angels. Imagine that at 7, we notice this cord and wonder what would happen if we were to yank on it. Ooops! We just unplugged from God. And then we spend our lives trying (or not) to reconnect, only to find it is just beyond our reach, or we cannot find the Source. Well, for me, cancer acted as a flashlight and a stool which enables me to reconnect to source.

I was given a rare a wonderful gift when I was diagnosed the level I was. I know now that had I “caught it” earlier, and had a mastectomy and beaten cancer, I would not have gotten the message that I am still deciphering. I know me well enough to know that I’d’ve gotten cocky and perhaps completely missed the message intended for me and perhaps have had to go round again to learn it right… Because of where I stand, I have the opportunity not only to remember, but because I am regaining strength, I am able to share what I am learning and remembering! WOW! Truly, I am blessed.

When I went back to OHI, I had certain expectations. Of course, the people were all different. (Other than the amazing staff!! Quick digression: The first full day at OHI, last Monday, we were in prayer circle- which we do before each meal and at the end, we hug at least 4 people trying to get in our daily 12- and the program director, who had been so incredible to me last summer and was instrumental in the scholarship extended me, gave me a quick hug and then scooted me off to the next hugger. I have to admit, my feelings were so hurt that I snuck back to my room before the meal to cry. I thought she was upset with me or didn’t like me- maybe because of something I had written on my site… Turned out later that she came to me laughing admitting that she was looking forward to seeing me and was disappointed that I hadn’t made it! She didn’t recognize me!! My ego must’ve been in the way LOL!!)) I planned to let go of my ego completely and do everything I was told exactly as I was told. They have been doing this for 30 years with tremendous results. I did the program sort of half assed last time and had incredible results. So I dug in and did as I was told. The detox is tough. I won’t lie. And it isn’t just food, it’s enemas and wheat grass (orally and internally… yep, you got the picture!) And my pain meds don’t work quite as well when I am detoxing. But I did it. And it was not nearly as difficult because there was less crap in my body this time. But once again, the best part of the program for me was the surrender. The reminder that God has my back. That He will never let me down. Ever.

Surrender looks different for everyone, I imagine. For me, it means letting go of the worry about my health, about my family. It means checking with God before I make a decision and really listening for an answer.

When my doctor looked at the numbers two weeks ago and saw that my lung is clear and the other tumors are disintegrating (my word), the first thing he asked was why I was still refusing XY& Z drugs. I asked if he wanted an honest answer. He said yes. I told him that every single drug he has offered, I have taken it into prayer and that God lets me know if it is helpful or harmful for my body in this moment, and that for now, what I am taking is all I need at the moment but that as soon as I get a different answer he’d be the second one to know. He thinks I’m nuts.

It is so funny to think of us humans. We pray and ask for signs and then when we get them, if they are not what we think the answer should be, we ignore them or ask for a different sign or outcome. But I am coming to realize as I look back over my short lifetime, that God always knows what is best in the big picture. And when I let Him lead, my life becomes so much easier.

This surrender stuff is not easy. Especially for a stubborn, know it all like myself. But I am working on it day by day. And it is getting easier. Right now I am in the Transition phase- like in birth- it is the hardest part. I am at the threshold. The eye of the needle, as Caroline put it. I am so close, I can taste it. But in order to purge, we must surrender, and part of that surrender means feeling those feelings once more as they pass out of you forever. And only God can give me the strength I need to endure the last mile.

My healing is truly miraculous. If I were not witnessing my own healing, I don’t know that I would believe it myself. But here I am, on the brink of something big. And the only thing I know to do is surrender.

Be present. It is truly all that we have.
With Loving Embrace-
Kalena JOY

The path of surrender: Surrender total and complete, to God, to love, to beauty, to truth, etc. Surrender so deep that there is no room left for anything else. Everything is obliterated by the total and complete surrender of everything – every thought, every assumption, every need. Everything is obliterated, including the person doing the surrendering, as well as the object to which one is surrendering. All that remains is a fullness and completeness. One surrenders according to predilections. For some this may mean total and complete involvement in say, the beauty and joy of higher mathematics. For others it may mean surrender to the love of a pet. For others, to their particular version of God. It does not matter. This was the path of Brother Lawrence, of Rab’ia, of Rumi. Surrender so complete that neither self nor other is needed.
You are the Self now and can never be anything else.
Throw your troubles to the wind, Turn within and find Peace.
Ramana Maharshi

Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love.–Virgil (70 BC – 19 BC), Eclogue

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