My Final Curtain
January 5, 2011 by Karen
Always My Angel Baby
As I enjoy each delicious moment in this tired out young body of mine, I have much time and even a bit of physical energy to truly reflect on the past 42 1/2 blessed years.
I am grateful for this little body- It has served me well for many amazing adventures, including a natural child-birth- the greatest miracle my body certainly ever performed!
I am grateful for my parents, who have loved and encouraged me my whole life through- who gave me wings to soar, who worried about and prayed for me and fought me “for my own good”- but who ultimately allowed me, encouraged me to be exactly who I needed to be- even when it hurt them or they didn’t agree with my choices. I could not have picked more perfect parents for this journey. My heart is filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE for you both.
I am grateful for my brothers, who have always been my favorite boys, my favorite men (whether they know it or not, it is true from the depth of my soul). I love you both so dearly, so deeply, without condition.
I am grateful for my entire BIG, HUGE, CRAZY, FUN extended family: especially Ed and Renee who have been such a special part of my world that could only be fulfilled by each of you. I love you both so much!! I am soooo grateful for the Garcia and Merrill families!!! Thank you for a LIFETIME of love and laughter!
I am grateful for every friend, lover, co-worker- passerby. A relationship can be a lifetime or a moment. Thank you for any moment we shared. We all learn so much form one another in the least expected places. (Stay open to the lesson!).
There are certainly a handful of extraordinary people who will always be regarded in a special place in my heart. Knowing you changed me for the better and I am honored by having shared a special period of our lives…. You all know who you are 
I am grateful for Rick- for the Father he is and is becoming with Zaiden’s and God’s guidance. (And thank you to all the amazing people Rick has surrounded himself and Zaiden with). He and Zaiden are a wonder to behold.
And more than anything, I am most grateful for my beloved angel daughter. She was a GIFT from Heaven to me these six years and now I humbly gift her back to the world to heal it, to love and nurture it, to grow into the incredible woman I know she is capable of, who will move mountains.
Reflecting on these six years, I can hardly contain my elation. I wish everyone had the kind of peace I hold in my heart now. When I was diagnosed with cancer, chances are I had been afflicted with this disease for a number of years- perhaps even before Zaiden was conceived. Had I known—???? Well, I didn’t and so I lived in ignorant bliss the first two years of Zaiden’s life. She was hardly away from me for a full 2 1/2 years. Once I was diagnosed and told that my life was finite, I was able to then be completely PRESENT each and every single moment we shared. What Mom gets to actually say that?!! And NOW!! Well, now I have orchestra tickets to Zaiden Victoria von Schnier’s production! And I can hardly wait to be seated!!
I have left Zaiden many many tokens, messages, and a published book! (Details will follow on the www.reachforthejoy.org site and perhaps FB, BUT, here is the short version- Hibiscus publishing and Krista Vernoff have agreed to take on When Mommy Got Cancer. With God’s will and the incredible work, compassion and talent of Dr Ruth Clark and Krista Vernoff, my desire to share a bit of our story will be a reality in 2011-2012. Wow!
And now as I prepare for my final bow, there are a couple of things I wish to share.
Today I am so blessed. Each day I wake up, I have only 2 goals: manage my pain, and enJOY each moment. And so I am, and so I do. And God has given me the energy to get around, so I am seeing theatre and films with my parents and friends… And somehow each day, I meet a new person who just wants to talk- and at long last, I am learning to listen with 100% conviction.
My “program notes,” as I prepare to return to my dressing room are as follows:
- LOVE EVERYONE WITHOUT CONDITION- INCLUDING YOURSELF. ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! YOU ARE PERFECT EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. EACH OF US IS ONLY DOING OUR BEST.
- FORGIVE EVERYONE- ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! AGAIN, WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO BE HAPPY AND SAFE.
- BE PRESENT AND FIND A WAY TO ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, EVEN THE TOUGH STUFF – IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION.
These last is a reminder from Zaiden:
-Don’t blame the carpet (you gotta think about it)
- Give 100% focus to your desires while paying NO ATTENTION to what you do not desire.
Heaven is within. I will be holding you all in light. Please pray for my peaceful passing. I have loved each of you.
Go in Peace. I wish you JOY.
Karen
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22 Responses to “My Final Curtain”
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Cup Half Full
Cup Half Full is a beautiful, important book of women and men on the journey with breast cancer, photographed by the incredible Katy Tartakoff. I was lucky enough to participate in this important project. It's an amazing book and 75% of all proceeds go to support breast cancer charities.
It has been a pleasure to get to know you. The beauty and passion you possess are a blessing to behold. To have such peace and serenity during this time is truly admired. Interesting that you can teach me so much. Thank you for sharing that passion.
God bless you and yours and you will certainly be in my prayers. I feel fortunate to have met you and am able to spend this time with you. Thanks for the ice cream! Sweet indulgence.
Always,
Julianna
I am going to miss you so much! But I understand! Thank you for your words, your insights, your remarkable spirit, your honesty, your wisdom, your life, for bringing Zaiden into this world! You are a gift! Thank you as well for saying goodbye.
Karen,
I feel richer for knowing you. You are a wonderful mother and Zaiden will always have that!
Much love,
Beth Roth (Alex’s wife)
Infinite peace and eternal love to you Karen.
I admire your spirit and the positivity of your words throughout it all.
♥ Your light will continue to shine ♥
You are such an amazing person. I am so happy to hear you are in transition. Your daughter will be proud to know how strong her mother is and was in your time of despair. I read your words and it makes me think to stop living in the past and live for the moment. I thank-you personally for putting your most private moments of your life on line..it has made me think of life differently. My daughter is the one who actually sent me your link because it touched her so deeply,Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Debbie Jones
Thank you for always reaching for the JOY Kalena (To me you are always Kalena) and for striving to help the rest of us find it in our own lives while we still can!!
Peaceful journey my friend. You will never know the blessed touch you placed on so many lives. I for one am so thankful to have had the time we did together.
I love you.
-Tami
Kalena (Karen),
We have never met but I have been following your adventures. I live in Las Vegas and have come to know you through other moms here, although we have never met. You have been and will be in my heart as is and will be your beautiful daughter. Thank you so much.
Much LOVE,
Jenn (mom to Julian, 3 yrs old)
Karen,
Thank you for being such a true inspiration to my friends and I. When we leave our earthly body and move on, faith says we will meet again and see our loved ones happy and without pain or disease. Your strength reaffirms this with your positive, loving way. There are no words that can express my gratitude to you for showing such unselfish pride, and yet remain calm and collected at a time that would collapse most with fear and uncertainty. I have never met you, yet I feel an instant connection. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story with myself and others who now can take this with us and carry on. Your love is felt by many. We look forward to seeing you again, as you remain in our thoughts and our dreams.
Such big love and such grand peace to you, sweet mama.
Sweet Karen,
Even though you made your final bow, I hope we still can sit a long time in the dressing room to ponder and re-joy the performance of 42 and more years and think about the next performance we will be in together! I played only a small guest role, but I felt so honored to be in your play! You were so nice to me and to all the other players! Thank you so much for that. It is very rare that Diva’s are so kind, playful, respectful, enthusiastic, loving, energetic and attentive to guest-players and to the whole crew!
I love to play a bigger role in your next play. Let’s not only reach for the joy and fun, but grab the fun big, so that the audience asks for even more call-backs than they did this time! Wait a minute! I think I hear them clapping and calling: You have to get back up on stage Karen! You have to go and get the biggest applause ever! They seem not willing to let you go!!
With tons of love,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IS ALL YOU HAVE
Cielja
Thank You for the passion of living you have shown me! Thank you for your fearless example of what love is all about. Thank you for blessing my life deeply!
I have not visited your site in some time as I seemed to have lost track of your blog, but I followed you when I lived in Austin and through my move to my new home, in California.
Many blessings to you and your lovely daughter. What a beautiful, optimistic, inspirational life you have lead. Thank you for that.
Karen,
I have been thinking of you and Zaiden a lot. Yesterday Eve was wearing one of the masks Zaiden gave her and was telling her daddy who it was from. This essay was absolutely beautiful and inspiring. I am so glad to have met you; you have reminded me to make every moment with my daughter matter. I wish you peace. Love, Catherine
Kalena,
You will always be Kalena to me. Have been thinking about you so much and your Angel daughter.You may be taking your final bows, But here , in Vegas, I’m launching new theatrial ventures and will try to somehow give your magnificent journey another life. I have been so moved and inspired by your story and your wisdom.Am so thrilled that Rick has evolved in to the role he has to play. Go in peace my dear friend…Love always.
Charlene
My dear friend, Kalena Karen Joy,
What a blessing you have been to me since I met you in Austin at Unity Church! I have enjoyed every moment we spent together talking about your entire life and what you loved about it, and some of the downsides…Your daughter has blessed me as well because you both taught me to be in the present moment and to enjoy my family, letting go of the minutia of life that could bring me down.
Your perserverance and the way you looked at life so positively- you saw what you wanted and created it – fund raisers, your book, your website and blog – you got people together (our book club at Unity in Austin!). I am grateful you stayed at my house so we could discuss our spirituality and philosophy on life. I’m grateful for our late night talks and I feel loved by the way you supported me during my most difficult year last year. I suppose angels will lovingly and gently escort you form this physical life and then you will see all the good you did and all of the people you influence and gave hope and healing to.
Much love to you and many blessings on your family, Kathy
I did not have the priviledge of knowing you, but I am grateful you were here for a time.
God Bless You and keep you. Amen
Karen,
Years ago I use to see you and Rick everyday.
I remember your beautiful daughter Zaiden being
born. The joy you brought around my crazy life
every crazy thing that happened across the street
from you.
Zaiden is in good hands. May you rest comfortably.
I am very honored to know you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful life with all of us.
May your journey be peaceful ……..till we meet again !
Karen I only spoke to you for 8 mintues, and those 8 minutes had impacted my life for all eternity. I appriciate everything you said even though it was simply an order you were placing. Your gone now, but to a better place. Your an amazing person, and I know your looking down on everyone with a smile
Karen . . . .Kalena . . . .
We are so grateful for the gift of you in our lives . . . we will always feel it. Thanks for your beautiful friendship I will forever cherish all the fun times together – we will love our sweet friend Zaiden here in Austin and see the sparkle of your soul carried on through her.
We love you,
Charlotte and Zachary
Karen,
I had lost touch with you until 10 minutes ago when I was somehow inspired and guided to find your website. I know and understand that you have taken flight and made your last curtain call. During the time since I last saw you following our last class together at the Univ of Phoenix and the beautiful fund raising benefit at the Church I attended with my family, I have lost my Mother and most recently my Sister to Cancer.
It is quite thought provoking for me to look back now and realize that even the short time I was introduced into your life here, that there was a divine reason. I sincerely believe that your strength, conviction, love and passion for life were a catalyst that prepared me for what I had to face within my own family.
You are a real miracle and only now do you get to see the entire picture and understand what your role here in this life was meant to be. A beacon of hope, a pillar of strength, a foundation of how to accept with grace is what your divine performance on Earth was meant to be. The Almighty cast the right person for this Academy Award performance, and I and so many others were so blessed to have been in the audience to see your performance.
Rest in Peace through this intermission you Sweet Angel for this performance is over. You have left us with your everlasting love for life, incredible life lessons, and a sweet and beautiful daughter to follow in the loving footsteps you have cast before her.
You will be missed but more so remembered for everything you gave to so many, myself included. Until the next time the curtains rise…Rest in Peace Sweet Angel!
The Klubers (Randy, Sue, Samantha, & Sophia)
Kalena/ Karen. Thank you for the joy you have given to all of us. especially me..
You walked into our lives like a warm beam of sunshine gave light to all of us, with
your tender touch and your gentle voice, and though you’ve left us… that warm beam of light will forever be in our lives. I am truly honored to have known you. Once again thank you for being you!
Go with god and may your soul rest in peace my angelic friend…