Herein Lies the Oak

October 5, 2007 by Karen 

I am a huge believer in how far a positive outlook can get you. And I do spend most of my time now living the way I project here on this site: As though every day is magical and creating joy. At least, I try. But that is not to say that what I am going through is not HARD and does not SUCK. It is and it does. And not just for me, but for my family- And trust me, we definitely do our share of whining and crying about it all! But we remind each other that today is all we have.

My little girl is growing up so fast because of all that has occurred. She has had to spend time with other caregivers because I am not strong enough to play with her. She is attending daycare 9.5 hours a day because I do not have the energy to be the Mom I used to be. She has watched me break down and cry due to pain or frustration or just system overload. Zaiden is happy in spite of it all, and even seeing that I am human and learning valuable lessons have their positive elements. It is just not at all what I envisioned for her third summer.

I guess that is the point I am making- I have had to learn to let go of so many of my preconceived notions of what life SHOULD be. Letting go of the control that I thought I had. The illusion of control. This ride is making me so aware of how little control we do have and at the same time, how our attitude can make any tragic experience a death sentence or a wake up call.

Meanwhile, I am having one of my dark weeks. It makes it difficult to get things done. It makes it hard to stay positive. It makes it impossible not to hold daily pity parties for myself. And that is another lesson I am learning. That that is ok, too. So when I want to cry, I do. And when I want to scream “NO FAIR!” and “WHY ME!” and “THIS F*CKING SUCKS!!!” I do. And I will continue.

I am learning an important lesson about emotions through my almost three year old daughter, an extraordinary human being who I am blessed to get to know so intimately. When she feels overwhelmed by life, she lets it out. Loud. Without apology. And usually, within a relatively short period of time, she is finished and ready to play. So now, when I have a melt down, I really do it, just let it out. Loud and ugly. No apologies. And then I move on. (Good thing I am not operating heavy machinery!)

Austin is green with Live Oak tree awnings everywhere. Right now, the ground is heavy with acorns. One could see them as a nuisance, as they break underfoot and hit people in the head and dent their cars… But not the children. Everywhere we go, Zaiden squeals with delight at her found Treasures! She has a designated Acorn bag to keep them. We examine how different they are- some are green, some brown, some cracked, others shiny and new, various in size. Yet within each of these tiny little squirrel treats lives the heart of an Oak tree! How is that possible!? And yet it is. And it always has been. And there is proof of it everywhere we look in Austin. WOW!

Yes, this path I am on sucks. It hurts. It fucks with my emotions. It makes my cry- a lot. And it has brought me so much closer to what this journey of life is all about. I just Get it now! I am waking up a little more every day. I hope you are, too.

With love and gratitude~

Kalena

Doing is never enough if you neglect Being.
- Ekhart Tolle.

Filed under: Living Journal

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