God is Great!

February 26, 2008 by Karen 

GOD IS AMAZING!!
Some people may be surprised at how much “God Talk” I engage in nowadays. But who else can you credit with such miraculous healing?!?! I believe that my healing is a miracle from above/beyond/within and I am in supreme gratitude. And that healing is coming to me from God through many forms: prayer, faith, medicine, diet, exercise, energetic balancing (AIM, acupuncture, massage), and above all: LOVE!

Today I went to see my oncologist, “Dr. C,” who ordered my first CT scan since August. We do periodic “markers” by drawing blood, as well. Most of you know I don’t pay much attention to numbers. If you are going to pay attention to the positive ones, then you have to listen to the negative ones, too. Right? For the past few months I have felt the incredible healing throughout my body. There have been several significant moments, and not one of them has been because of medication. That is not to say I am not grateful for the meds that have been effective. I have and I am! But they are few and far between. Unfortunately for me, when it comes to drugs, my tiny little body is prone to reject most. (Including “miracle” drugs that target my specific type of situation.)

But I am digressing. I want to get to the GOOD NEWS:
My tumors are shrinking!!! MY LUNGS ARE CLEAR and the ones elsewhere are 1/3 the size they were six months ago. I am feeling stronger every day and have lowered the dosage of my pain meds. And all this is without chemo! My heart knew this, but to get physical confirmation from a doctor who believes that chemotherapy is the only thing that will heal my physical body is something to experience, let me tell you! I mean, these are the same guys who told my husband that without “treatment,” I had six months at most!

I am going on my faith in God 100% from this moment forward! And when God gives me a clear sign that I should do something, you can be darn sure I am going to do it! (Like the hormone therapy and the bone strengthener- which are the only things that are currently working for me on that side of the game.) And if I hear a clear “No,” well, I listen to that too. Even when Dr. C tries to convince me otherwise. He thinks I am crazy- but look at the results!! If this is crazy, I’ll take it!

Bottom line for me is that I believe that God is the only one who can heal us and God is healing me. Why me and not another, I don’t know. But I am grateful. I guess I don’t talk about it much because it feels presumptuous of me to say “All you have to do it pray and believe,” because sometimes people die no matter what kind of faith they have. I believe that before we are born, we hang out with God and choose our path- our life. Including when and how we will leave our body. Sometimes disease (or a car wreck or a near death experience) acts as a warning, a reminder to slow down and remember our contracts and who we really are. I believe that is my case. And so I am healing because I am not finished doing what I set out to do. Now if I had finished (or decided to quit, mid-game only to start all over again “next time…”), I would have succumbed to the dis-ease. But I got the message, and remembered that I am here for a purpose and am working to fulfill that promise. So I am healing and I will continue to heal so that I can get strong enough to complete my mission.

I believe that my “JOB” here on earth in this little body I have been given is to remind people of their JOY. I knew this somehow as a child and am only now remembering glimpses of this. As I heal, it is becoming clearer to me what I need to do. And I am doing it every day through my writing, a documentary film I am a subject of, and anywhere else that God puts me up to share my story. One day, I will publish. But for this moment, I am listening and learning. And I am eternally grateful!

I KNEW IN MY HEART I WAS HEALING! And now my body is in agreeance. It may take some time. But, hey, I have nothing but time. And so I am taking it day by day.

There have been moments along the way (and I know there will be others) when I received clear messages of my healing. Like AIM’s founder reporting that they found the frequency for Cancer and that it would be removed from all AIM participants by February 5. I felt it leave me that day. Like praying on the radio with Marianne Williamson. I felt the healing in that, too. Like a moment back in November when, during a Diksha session, I felt the love of God, actually FELT the Joy of Her embrace. And I healed. This weekend, I bowed before God in complete gratitude for my scars that remind me of my journey back to Joy. And I felt His presence and assurance that I am already healed. What an amazing ride this life is. And how much richer when we ride with the knowledge that we are not in complete control.

I SEE the healing and I see what I am capable of and I am ready for it all right now. And then I take it before God and am told to slow down, be patient. It is not the time. Not yet. There is still much healing to be done and I need to surrender. Whew! That is tough for me. Letting go. Surrendering. What does that look like? How does one actually let go? What is the action of surrender?

A friend gave me a wonderful metaphor. Life is a waltz and there are times when we are leading and all is right on our world and we are happy and dancing our dance. Then come the periods where God leads. And it feels as though our world is turned upside down and we have no control. So we try desperately to regain control, to yank back to the lead position. And God will let us- God will not fight for control. We need to learn this lesson in our own time. Our ego thinks it knows what is best for us. And that is when we trip ourselves up and find ourselves lost.

For so many years I fought with myself for that control. As though somehow my ego knew what was best for me. Yet my spirit, my soul, my inner guide whispered to me to let go, to surrender, to let God take the lead. And when I listen to that voice, that is when the true healing takes place.

So I am working on surrender now.

It all looks like good news from here. The truth is, we are still struggling financially and at times it is white knuckle scary! The new deductible is due and we just found out that the promise the hospital made to Rick back in July to forgive our 2007 deductible was never honored, so now we are essentially $11,000 in the hole. Unfortunately the way our system works, we are not far enough in the hole to qualify for assistance with this- because we have been responsible and paid what we could when we could (thanks to so much generosity from the people who love us!!) and tried to keep our own heads above water. As if Cancer is not enough challenge to throw at a family. As you know, many of the treatments (including the “Western” stuff) are NOT covered by our so-called wonderful insurance. Most of what I am doing has been out of pocket or on scholarship. So although I am healing and we can see clear evidence of my healing, the need for help continues. Part of my surrender is allowing myself to receive. Receive the help, the love, the gifts that continue to come to me and my family in our time of hardship, impatient for the day I can stand once again on my own feet. Eagar to one day pay it forward.

And even with this, I am working to release the controls. Yet here I am grabbing hold of the lead and putting this out to the Universe…

Please spread the word of my website. I need Sponsorship or just more visitors. I need people to read my story because I know that my message can and will heal others. I am here, still breathing and sharing and writing for a reason that I cannot question. I ask that you please share my website and my story with as many people as you can. I believe that right now, this IS my paying it forward. This is my gift back to the world.

When we surrender, the gifts come to us a hundredfold. Be in gratitude for the ride itself. Not just the healing, but for the message the dis-ease or the hardship or the loss brings in the first place. As soon as I let go of the need to stay here in this body, something in me shifted and allowed the healing to begin. I was literally planning my funeral, and within weeks, was strong enough to drop my wheelchair and cane. This is not the same as giving up or fatalism, because I still show up to do the work. It is just relinquishing the need to be in control and allowing myself to surrender to God’s will.

I made this agreement a long time ago. And I am here to fulfill it. And I would like to fulfill it in THIS body so I can be clear and my soul will be free. Rick reminds me daily that he and Zaiden are a part of my agreement and that they are here to fulfill their parts. And I am in awe of these two incredible beings!

Last night at dinner, Zaiden asked to share what she was grateful for. I always love hearing what comes out of her little heart. She held our hands and looked as each of us and said,. “I am grateful for this whole family and all this love in my heart and this food and these carrots and the peppers and you, Mom and you Dad and me and you and you and me and this whole life of mine.” This from a three year old.

I often allude to 20 days or 20 years. Why should there be a difference in how we live our lives? All we have is today, this moment. Right now. Make the choice to surrender. We are not our body. We are a light that shines beyond our capability of even grasping the illumination. We are amazing. We are love. We are connected to one another. We are God. And God will not forsake us. It is up to us to know in our hearts that we are the very love we seek.

I am, as always, in a constant state of gratitude- for my life, for my family, for my friends, for this world, for the beauty and Joy that is everywhere.

Surrender and BE the love that you were meant to be.

Alhumduli’llah!!!
(All Praise to God)
Kalena/ Karen/ Karima

“Wellness that is being allowed, or the wellness that is being denied, is all about the mindset, the mood, the attitude, the practiced thoughts. There is not one exception, in any human or beast; because, you can patch them up again and again, and they will just find another way of reverting back to the natural rhythm of their mind. Treating the body really is about treating the mind. It is all psychosomatic. Every bit of it, no exceptions.”
- Abraham

Filed under: Living Journal

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