If love could have saved Karen, she would have lived forever.

Read at Karen’s service on Feb 4, 2011 by Bobbi Solis
Poem from love-of-poems.com

Zaiden and Karen, Santa Monica, May 2010

Mark, Karen, Dad, Dave and Mom, October 2009

Karen Garcia

April 14, 1968 – January 27, 2011
Eulogy by Dave Garcia

I’m Karen’s brother. When she and I were growing up together, she used to say that if we had grown up in the 60’s, I would have been in the Army fighting in Vietnam and she would have been a hippie back in the United States protesting the war. This was her way of saying, “Dave and I are different people”… we have different ideologies, different politics, and different ideas about the world.

Anyone who ever knew Karen, knew that it was VERY important for her to set herself apart from conventional ideas. As my parents and their spouses can attest, Karen used to spend hours debating many subjects: From bedtimes and choice of schools earlier in life to career choices and parenting philosophies as an adult. Karen always had to be different.

Karen with Wings

To be clear….when God was handing out the strong-willed gene, he gave Karen a triple dose.

Karen had an unwavering belief in her ideas and she was an extremely strong person. She was worthy of all of our respect because, whether you agreed with her or not, she was always strong in her beliefs.

When Karen was 8 years old, she was hit by a car. It was a rough time for our family. She broke both of her legs and she was in traction and a body cast. As Karen laid in a body cast, she told us that she would play baseball within a year….She never had any interest in baseball. At the time, I was only in second grade but I told my Mom there was no way this would happen. The next spring, less than a year later, she was playing in a co-ed baseball league. She probably did it just to prove everyone wrong.

Karen was an actress. All of our aunts, uncles, grandparents, everyone who has known Karen for most of her life knew that she would be a performer. There was never a more perfect career choice for a human being than Karen becoming an actress. She was born to be an actress and it was her passion in life. She was unshakably confident on stage. From grade school to our 30’s, every time I got the chance to see her in a play, there would always be a moment where I would be struck by the realization that she was disappearing into the role. She was that good.

One night, when we were in Jr. High, Mark, Karen, and I were sitting around watching TV and The Tonight Show came on. This was when Johnny Carson was still hosting. Karen was sitting in a big chair and she crossed her arms and said to Mark and me, “I’ll never do an interview with Johnny”… well, being the great brothers that we were, Mark and I started cracking up. Mark started slapping his knee and rolling on the floor. Karen didn’t get the joke. She didn’t even crack a smile. She was solid in her belief that she would one day become a famous Hollywood actress.
Like I said, she was very strong-willed.

I firmly believe that Karen had the talent to be a successful actress. With a few breaks, some different decisions, and perhaps a little luck, she could have been that actress in Titanic.

Like most actresses, Karen was a restless soul. There were a lot of contradictions in her life. She was sure about her acting abilities, but there were a lot of other things that she was not sure about. She was constantly looking for things in the world that made sense to her. She was curious about spirituality. As I mentioned last night, she searched for many religions and faiths. She explored Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and many other spiritual ideologies. She picked the parts of each one that made sense to her. She didn’t really care if people judged her for her ideas, she was searching for things that made sense TO HER.
Her restless spirit went beyond issues of faith. She looked for happiness in new friends, new cities, and new partners. Because of this restless spirit, she would often move away from her family. I don’t mean physically “move away”. She moved to New York, LA, Portland, Las Vegas, etc.… but many of us have moved away. Rather she moved away from her family emotionally and mentally because she was convinced people didn’t understand her.

It wasn’t until later in life that she truly understood the unconditional love of family.

When Karen’s daughter, Zaiden, was born, Karen changed. No longer was she chasing career goals or searching for meaning in her life. Her new passion was motherhood. From the moment Zaiden arrived, Karen realized the unconditional love of family. She had some unique ideas about parenting. Much like her spiritual quest, she read a lot of books about parenting and picked the parts of each philosophy that made sense to her. But regardless of her parenting ideas, her unconditional love for Zaiden was always obvious.

Over the last part of Karen’s life, as she struggled with her disease, she learned the valuable lesson that she NEEDED her family and her closest friends. She developed a new bond with each one of us, and while it was never easy, Karen made the effort to connect with everyone and show her gratitude and her love.

As she became sicker, it was no longer possible for her to take care of Zaiden as a parent, but rather, she needed Zaiden to take care of her. There are countless stories of Zaiden comforting her mother through pain and sadness. The six years of parenting went a long way, and the tables were turned, Zaiden was comforting her mother.

Finally, I want to tell the story of a gift Zaiden gave to Karen. As Karen dealt with the final moments of her life, she was ready to pass. She was begging for a peaceful transition. But Karen had a strong spirit and even though she was ready to go from a mental perspective, her strong WILL would not allow her to pass in a calm, easy way.

Flower Children - October 2009

A hug and a kiss

We all believe Zaiden knew what she was doing and she gave her mother an amazing gift.

Read with love by Dave Garcia at Karen’s memorial service on February 4, 2011

Chalk drawing by Zaiden

ARRANGEMENTS FOR KAREN

Hello family and friends,

On behalf of our family I want to send our thanks for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and offers to help. Many people have been asking about arrangements for Karen’s memorial service and other pertinent information. This message is going out to a wide distribution list; however, please feel free to forward.

There is a rosary on Thursday, February 3 at 6:00 pm at the Olinger Woods Chapel, 1100 Washington Ave Golden, CO 80401. www.olingerwoodschapel.com

The memorial service is Friday, February 4 at 11:00 am at St. Catherine of Siena Church, 4200 Federal Blvd Denver, CO 80211. www.saintcatherine.us

Karen will be laid to rest at Mount Olivet Cemetery. 12801 West 44th Avenue, Wheat Ridge, CO 80033.

There is a reception (repast) after we leave the cemetery on Friday. The reception will begin at 2:00 pm at the Lakewood Elks Lodge, 1455 Newland Street, Denver CO 80214. www.lakewoodelks.com (Approximately Colfax and Pierce – across the street from Casa Bonita). Please join the family for food and conversation. Everyone is welcome.

In lieu of flowers, you may consider a contribution to an educational trust fund that has been set up for Zaiden (Karen’s daughter) or perhaps a donation to The Denver Hospice.

Please note: We are not requesting any contributions from anyone – your thoughts and prayers are more than enough; however, if anyone feels compelled to contribute, the information is below:

Educational Trust Fund:
Zaiden Victoria Von Schnier Irrevocable Trust
c/o Steve Rotello
UBS Financial Services
4643 South Ulster
Regency Plaza 1, Suite 1580
Denver, CO 80237

Denver Hospice:
(This organization was a great help to Karen and our family)
The Denver Hospice
501 South Cherry Street
Suite 700
Denver, CO 80246
Attn: Kathy Black
www.thedenverhospice.org

It is important to my parents that I reiterate:
We are not asking for contributions.
The information is meant as a reply to people’s questions about how they can help.

Thanks very much. For those who can join us this week, we look forward to seeing everyone. For those who cannot make it, we look forward to seeing you soon.
Please feel free to contact me at: garcia_davidj [at] hotmail.com if I can answer any additional questions.

All our love,
Dave Garcia (on behalf of our entire family)

Karen on our wedding day

Karen passed away today – she is free.
Sweet Karen, thank you for years of love, sharing your dance, your song, your laugh, your kisses, your art, your energy and most of all for bringing us our amazing daughter.
You are the single greatest teacher I’ve ever had and the great love of my life.
You will be honored, cherished, and remembered always in our home – and Zaiden carries with her your very best of traits and qualities.
Zaiden will be fine – she will thrive! Until we meet again…Good night sweet Princess, and flights of angels sing thee to thy sleep.
- Rick Von Schnier

Always My Angel Baby

As I enjoy each delicious moment in this tired out young body of mine, I have much time and even a bit of physical energy to truly reflect on the past 42 1/2 blessed years.

I am grateful for this little body- It has served me well for many amazing adventures, including a natural child-birth- the greatest miracle my body certainly ever performed!

I am grateful for my parents, who have loved and encouraged me my whole life through- who gave me wings to soar, who worried about and prayed for me and fought me “for my own good”- but who ultimately allowed me, encouraged me to be exactly who I needed to be- even when it hurt them or they didn’t agree with my choices. I could not have picked more perfect parents for this journey. My heart is filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE for you both.

I am grateful for my brothers, who have always been my favorite boys, my favorite men (whether they know it or not, it is true from the depth of my soul). I love you both so dearly, so deeply, without condition.

I am grateful for my entire BIG, HUGE, CRAZY, FUN extended family: especially Ed and Renee who have been such a special part of my world that could only be fulfilled by each of you. I love you both so much!! I am soooo grateful for the Garcia and Merrill families!!! Thank you for a LIFETIME of love and laughter!

I am grateful for every friend, lover, co-worker- passerby. A relationship can be a lifetime or a moment. Thank you for any moment we shared. We all learn so much form one another in the least expected places. (Stay open to the lesson!).

There are certainly a handful of extraordinary people who will always be regarded in a special place in my heart. Knowing you changed me for the better and I am honored by having shared a special period of our lives…. You all know who you are

I am grateful for Rick- for the Father he is and is becoming with Zaiden’s and God’s guidance. (And thank you to all the amazing people Rick has surrounded himself and Zaiden with). He and Zaiden are a wonder to behold.

And more than anything, I am most grateful for my beloved angel daughter. She was a GIFT from Heaven to me these six years and now I humbly gift her back to the world to heal it, to love and nurture it, to grow into the incredible woman I know she is capable of, who will move mountains.

Reflecting on these six years, I can hardly contain my elation. I wish everyone had the kind of peace I hold in my heart now. When I was diagnosed with cancer, chances are I had been afflicted with this disease for a number of years- perhaps even before Zaiden was conceived. Had I known—???? Well, I didn’t and so I lived in ignorant bliss the first two years of Zaiden’s life. She was hardly away from me for a full 2 1/2 years. Once I was diagnosed and told that my life was finite, I was able to then be completely PRESENT each and every single moment we shared. What Mom gets to actually say that?!! And NOW!! Well, now I have orchestra tickets to Zaiden Victoria von Schnier’s production! And I can hardly wait to be seated!!

I have left Zaiden many many tokens, messages, and a published book! (Details will follow on the www.reachforthejoy.org site and perhaps FB, BUT, here is the short version- Hibiscus publishing and Krista Vernoff have agreed to take on When Mommy Got Cancer. With God’s will and the incredible work, compassion and talent of Dr Ruth Clark and Krista Vernoff, my desire to share a bit of our story will be a reality in 2011-2012. Wow!
And now as I prepare for my final bow, there are a couple of things I wish to share.

Today I am so blessed. Each day I wake up, I have only 2 goals: manage my pain, and enJOY each moment. And so I am, and so I do. And God has given me the energy to get around, so I am seeing theatre and films with my parents and friends… And somehow each day, I meet a new person who just wants to talk- and at long last, I am learning to listen with 100% conviction.

My “program notes,” as I prepare to return to my dressing room are as follows:

- LOVE EVERYONE WITHOUT CONDITION- INCLUDING YOURSELF. ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! YOU ARE PERFECT EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. EACH OF US IS ONLY DOING OUR BEST.

- FORGIVE EVERYONE- ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! AGAIN, WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO BE HAPPY AND SAFE.

- BE PRESENT AND FIND A WAY TO ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, EVEN THE TOUGH STUFF – IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION.

These last is a reminder from Zaiden:
-Don’t blame the carpet (you gotta think about it)
- Give 100% focus to your desires while paying NO ATTENTION to what you do not desire.

Heaven is within. I will be holding you all in light. Please pray for my peaceful passing. I have loved each of you.

Go in Peace. I wish you JOY.

Karen
-

I CHOOSE JOY!!

When she spins her yarn, one is held captive, lifted back in time, reliving the adventure alongside her. Her voice depicts pure emotion while she engages her entire body in the telling. She is brave enough to attempt new words such as camouflage and apprehensive (both recently used correctly to my delight). She draws a vivid picture in technicolor and re-experiences the passion of each emotion. She quite literally takes her audience by the hand and guides them through details I am astonished she can recall. Even as far back as 2 years of age.

One thing, however, unsettled me recently while encouraging her to share her Disneyland experiences with Grandma. I listened with anticipation, assuming she would talk about her delight in meeting Mickey & Minnie in person on the way out of the park (we had them all to ourselves before other families even caught on!) or the thrill of SOARIN’ OVER CALIFORNIA (an awesome virtual reality ride… one of the few rides I felt comfortable on- we went twice!). Instead, she began with ” Oh, Grandma, this was soooo sad. I was really scared and I even cried! Right, Momma?” Now, normally I support her freedom to tell it her way, only piping in when invited to help her recall a detail or a name. Her stories can supply clues to how she is really feeling- and obviously I am completely entertained. But on this occasion, I could not bite my tongue- I had to intervene.

Over the past two years, I have often deeply considered what compels me to retell certain stories of my history- those that I remember as painful, and even cause immediate stress in my body in the telling, although I may be recalling an event that is years old (and I believe to have healed from whatever wounds I licked for however long). I spent many of my teen and young adult years enjoying, on some perverse level, the attention and pity bestowed upon me as I portrayed the victim in the drama I created: my own life. An old friend once remarked that he thought I enjoyed it when people “felt sorry” for me. I had never considered the possibility. It sort of made sense. OUCH! That was 11 years ago. Just before I met Rick, Zaiden’s Daddy. I have never forgotten that moment- It stung, but I am glad someone finally said it! I have often reflected on his observation, especially when I discover myself weaving a sad, “poor-me” account. It has taken me years, but I think I am getting more successful at “catching myself.” I don’t berate myself. A mistake is for correction, not punishment. But I do take a moment and ask myself what my purpose is in telling this story. In the words of the late Jeffrey Nikelson, am I “Complainin’ or just ’splainin?” And then I either continue, or choose not to.

I have become gradually more and more conscious of the words that come out of my mouth- and even the thoughts that swim around in my head, or the words on the pages of my journal. The readings I have been devouring of late- modern spiritual writings, holy books and even novels remind me that each of us creates our own reality. That by retelling tales of woe, our subconscious, the Universe, the Law of Attraction or what you will hears that as a request for MORE OF THE SAME! “It” doesn’t know the difference between something that is actually happening and something that is remembered- especially when charged with emotion. By recalling our own suffering, we are actually inviting more suffering into our experience.

A couple of weeks ago, I let Zaiden know that there was something that she needed to do for me that meant a small sacrifice on her part. I predicted her reply: “I don’t want to.” I viewed this as an opportunity for her to grow. I explained to her that, unfortunately, this was not one of those times that she gets to choose whether or not to comply with my wishes. BUT- she did have a choice of how she would respond. And only SHE had the power to make that choice and live with its consequences. She could choose to get upset about it and make her (and my) time miserable, OR she could choose to see it as an exciting adventure, or even a kind favor to Mom. As she considered this, I saw a moment of clarity fill her brown eyes as she surrendered a crooked, knowing smile. And guess what? She had a GREAT TIME!

We all have the same choice! While we don’t always get to choose whether or not to go to the DMV or the dentist, pick up after the dog, or drive in rush hour, we CAN choose how we respond. We can kick and scream, complain to anyone who will listen, and stress out our bodies OR we can find a way to delight in the moment.

I play this little game with myself inspired by the last chapter of Eckert Tolle’s “A New Earth.” Tolle discusses the power that lies within each of us as driven by our thoughts. If the goal is to be truly happy, we must learn to accept what is, find a way to enjoy the moment, and if possible, find excitement in the living of the moment. I made up small signs and posted them everywhere: on the windshield of the car, in the bathroom, on the fridge, in the laundry room- anywhere I might need a reminder. I paired each word with a bright yellow smiley face, depicting an equivalent emotion. The words are ACCEPTANCE, ENJOYMENT, EXCITEMENT. In any given moment, the sign reminds me to take an honest look at where I am. And then I ask myself if it is achievable to “bump up a level.” For example, while sitting in traffic, I have a choice. I can choose to be stressed out that I am going to be late, get angry at the other drivers, cry, call someone on the phone and complain, get out of the car and scream… OR I can flip my visor down and find acceptance. I can have a little chat with my ego and remind myself that I am alive, right here and right now, surrender the frustration, remember that my being upset will not change the flow of traffic. Now I am in acceptance. Can I get myself to ENJOYMENT? Probably. I can use the time to (safely!) call a friend to catch up, listen to a favorite CD, sing with my daughter, really take in the sights of nature surrounding me. How about EXCITEMENT? Maybe, maybe not. But I have surprised myself! And just the simple act of playing this game with myself when I am taking care of some mundane task has helped to create far more JOY and far less stress and suffering.

No, we cannot always choose what we are doing. But we and only we have the power to choose how to respond to our circumstances.

There is an old Buddhist story about a monk who was chased by hungry lions off of a cliff. As he hung by his fingertips to the sharp rocks knowing there were only two ways out, and both led to suffering and ultimate death, he noticed a strawberry growing out of the side of the cliff. He somehow plucked that strawberry and took it into his mouth. He savored the sweetness, the texture, the natural beauty of his last strawberry with all his attention. He died, but not without acceptance, enjoyment, and quite possibly, even excitement. (Although not the sort of excitement most of us would invite!)

When Zaiden began her tale of the scary ride at Disneyland that upset her so much, I asked her a simple question. “What makes you wish to consciously, purposely choose to re-experience the painful emotions you felt that day? Is it because you want to experience them again? Or to communicate to God that you want more of the same in the future? Because if this is your goal, I support you. I just want you to be aware of the power you hold by talking about and thinking about painful circumstances. I want to remind you that you and only you have the control over your own thoughts and only you can choose how you want to create your future. It is up to you. For example, you CAN choose, instead to share how you felt when Minnie Mouse gave you a hug, or how brave you were on the same ride that frightened you when you later asked me to take you on it again and ride with you and hold you and talk to you. THAT is a story worth telling, in my opinion, because you faced your fear head on and you grew because of that decision.” Zaiden is used to me talking like this. And I believe in that moment, she got it. I have not heard her tell that story since.

The point is, WE are the ones holding the remote control (or as Zaiden calls it, “the Ma-Rote”) No one else can decide for me. I can choose to continue to retell and relive my sad stories, continue to see myself as a victim of the world, and communicate to the Universe “Please, sir, may I have another!” And this is ok. As long as I am aware that this is my own choosing. Often we become comfortable with a certain familiarity- and suffering is no different.

OR I can make a new choice in this moment, not concerning myself with always or never- just this moment. Search my heart for excitement or enjoyment. And if neither are available to me, then at least acceptance. And later on, when I have a quiet moment alone, reflect on what I may have learned, what I have gained by making a new choice.

With compassion and love in my heart~
Karen
p.s. I am FINALLY, LEGALLY Karen Ann Puanani Garcia!!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/health/27case.html

When I am feeling the joy, I get inspired from somewhere within or beyond. The essays pour out of me in their entirety. I rarely need to edit.

It is days like today that I just feel like I don’t even know who that other person is and where she gets her cheerful disposition. One of the challenges of being me- I am so freaking emotional and sensitive- I go from one extreme to the other and I find it hard to relate to the other half of me…

In all fairness to those who are traveling a similar path- or whatever your issues, because we all have em- I keep thinking I need to share my dark side as well. Funny, the inspiration doesn’t come when I am singing the blues.

But I do need to share that there are days, even weeks when I question why I am still here. Question God’s plan and how much stronger He/She intends for me to be. I try to allow myself to have “why me” moments, cry and scream, and then let go. Sometimes the letting go doesn’t happen so easily. Sometimes the feeling lingers for weeks. I want to crawl in a hole and, frankly, close my eyes and never wake up.

I feel like I have nothing to give to the people closest to me. As if I am a burden to be contended with. But, even as I write this, I am not looking for pity or people to tell me “no, you are a wonderful person, blah blah…” and I don’t know how to express these feelings here without appearing as though I am inviting that sort of sympathy.

I signed up for hospice to make me comfortable, to create a peaceful environment, let go of the need to fight. But while I hoped things would “ease up” on my journey, the challenges continue to overwhelm me- just when I think it can’t possibly get any worse, it does, somehow. For over a month now, I cannot seem to keep more than one meal a day down. Sometimes just a strawberry will send me running for the nearest bucket. We have tried every nausea med out there. One of them caused my vision to blur- I freaked out that the brain tumors had returned and that I was losing my eyesight! Damn side effect! (Thank GOD!) I am down to 114. Even in my Hollywood days I never dreamed of this svelt-ness. This would put even miss Moss to shame…

As I try to hang onto my faith that things will get better, the news keeps getting worse. I just found out earlier today that my landlady has sold the house I am renting and the new tenants are moving in June 15. I am devastated- and quite frankly in shock. The way it was all carried out makes me question the kindness of the human race! These people actually MET me through a ruse… The land lady traipsed them through the house under the pretense of looking into a plumbing issue or something. As I lay on the sofa with my five year old on my lap, these cold hearted buyers glanced at me and made the bold assumption that I am not long for this world! So thought nothing about putting me and my 5 year old out as I finish my life’s journey.

I am amazed! I mean, what if I am supposed to be here for months, or even years?? They expect me to look for and find another apartment and MOVE?! I cannot even wrap my mind around it!

I feel as though I am being pushed into my grave, yet God has yet to invite me into the afterlife!

When I found this little house a year and a half ago, it meant HOPE to me- Hope that I would survive- that I would get well, that I would have my daughter to raise with a backyard and a real neighborhood. We have created such a loving, wonderful home. And now it is all over. But I am still here!

I have no more fight in me. On days when I feel the sunshine, I feel as though I may have a chance at living the life I deserve- healthy, vibrant, affluent, traveling to book signings and PTA meetings, dining out with friends, vacationing in Hawaii and Greece, taking Zaiden to see family and friends on both coasts, laying on the beach, drinking Margaritas at sunset… But I am beginning to lose all faith…

At this moment I am reflecting on what appears to be a life of failure after failure. 2 failed marriages, an acting career that left me in poverty, I haven’t finished school (I am 11 credits shy of graduating and was hoping to finally hear “Pomp and Circumstance” for my benefit in July), I gave birth to a truly amazing little girl and it doesn’t look as though I will get to see her grow up. I am quite literally at the end of my rope!

I had a long and wonderful talk with my beloved friend and spiritual mentor, Kathy B tonight. God Bless her! She always gives me a new perspective and a reminder of my faith. No matter what I am facing, Kathy has a way of bringing me back to center. She reminded me that when God was “handing out scripts” (to use my vernacular!) – I saw the role of “Karen Kalena Ann Puanani Garcia/Stapleton/von Schnier” and said “OOOO- MEE MEEE!! I want that part!!” Because I do believe that we have a choice in our pre-earthly existence. But right now, I want to renegotiate my contract!! Are there Agents to the Angels or something like this??

I am working on finding a way to believe that God is taking care of me- that there is a plan and that it will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to. But I tell ya, my faith is being tested to the limit! I never imagined I had the strength to get through all I have already endured, and yet, here is another seemingly insurmountable challenge!

I don’t know what I will do- or where to turn except to God and to this writing.

I really don’t enjoy complaining. I know that, in spite of all I am dealing with, I still have many blessings. But, as Zaiden has grown fond of saying (Thank you Hannah Montana!) “AW- COME ON!!!!”

Not quite sure how to close this. I have no words of wisdom. So I invite you, beloved friends and family, please shower me with YOUR faith, YOUR wisdom, YOUR light.

I posted on Facebook the other night that I am in need of some virtual hugs. BRING EM ON! And if you have anything to share, I am all ears.

Blessings to you and yours. Cherish the ones you love. Enjoy the sunshine. Treasure your body and your health. Give your problems over to the one Creator. No one said this would be easy!

Karen
ps- I will find another photo of my home when I get over the shock… For now, this one is me and Koko in front of our fabulous red door. (Before Taxol….)