An Experiment in Hiaku
February 26, 2010 by Karen
Break Up. Break Down. Broke.
Cracks in the Spirit lead to
Peace, Faith and, yes, Love.
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Surrender Today
To the unseen force within.
No one knows you better.
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Waiting to be seen
Each one lost in their own thoughts
Asking God, “Why Me?”
This is the Moment!
November 2, 2009 by Karen
I recently went through a difficult period- nothing major- just growing pains, really. I was feeling distraught and impatient with myself. Frustrated that I wasn’t “producing.” One of the most challenging things about being where I am right now is trusting that I am where I am supposed to be and that everything has its time and place.
Relying on others for financial protection is hard. While I have never been “in the money,” I always worked hard to support myself. Since July 2007 that has changed radically. I now rely- gratefully- on help from the government, private foundations (on occasion) and of course my incredible family and friends. But I don’t like this feeling! I want to be independent somehow!
And yet whenever I begin to think about work, something knocks me down for days or even weeks and I have to sadly admit to myself that I am simply not in a place where I can be counted on to “show up” consistently. And that is tough on the ego!
Meanwhile I am writing and working on ideas. But I know that to expect my book ideas to support me and Zaiden is silly- at least in the present. It will take time and a lot of work- and, yes, help from my friends! Thus my frustrations…
The other day I had a rude awakening when I discovered that I was overdrawn- money down the drain in bank fees- money I did not have and had to be “rescued” once more. I was so angry with myself for my irresponsible math and there was nothing to be done about it. So I cried. I prayed. I asked for guidance from within. And that is where I am going with this…
When I arrived home I had received an email from a dear Austin friend. She told me that she had been given a gift that she wanted to share with me. It is a beautiful book of prayers. She said that she was unsure if I would be open to them but her inner guide kept showing her my face and so she decided to pass it on, whether I was willing to open it or not. I did. And to me it felt like an answer to my prayer.
This lovely little book reminded me that God- the Creator- my guides- are always with me and in me and that I (as are You) AM GOD. That Power is within each of us- to know, to see, to be one with the entire Universe; and that all “this” – sickness, despair, poverty, sadness, frustration- is an illusion. And so I prayed.
Here it is: Click here to download: Original Decree Booklet
I am committing myself to Believing in the Power of Prayer and reading aloud the words contained within this book each and every day. Not all of it- just the ones that “speak” to me on a given day. To remind me that I am not alone.
I know that cancer has changed me in ways I never could have anticipated. I am humble, I am grateful, I am faithful, I am reminded all the time to BE IN THIS MOMENT. Because that is really and truly all any of us have.
These prayers not only comfort me, they remind me that I CAN do anything- and I will!
I have committed to writing- every day. Nothing worth sharing perhaps- but writing nonetheless- to encourage more writing. “Going back to the scales.” In acting school they told us that musicians practice scales, dancers go to the bar, actors do the work- every day as an artist we must practice our art. And now that I amuse myself that I am a writer- I write. The fruits will produce one day, they only need nurturing.
As for the financial side of things, I am excited that I will soon be announcing a new project. Something I can actually do in my spare time- because if I manage it well, I have time. Time to reflect, time to write, time to pray, time to play, time to nurture and, yes, even time to work. On my own terms.
I am grateful for today- for my daughter who brings me always to THIS MOMENT- for my support, for my (relative) health, for my LIFE! Remembering that this moment is all there is is the greatest gift. Because it is only in this moment that we truly LIVE!
In Abundance-
Karen
Noah and the Ark
September 14, 2009 by Karen
A while back I was sharing the story of Noah’s Ark with Zaiden. Afterward, she said “If you don’t take care of the earth, God will take you away.” I didn’t know quite what to say!
I took it upon myself to do a bit of biblical research on the tale. I wanted a better way to explain it to her. So I searched in a concordance, a metaphysical dictionary and a couple of other reference tools and came up with a whole new understanding of Noah and the Ark.
It seems that an Ark represents the spiritual part of oneself. It is our own personal sanctuary, the “Christ within.” The more I dug, the more I learned. Noah himself represents tranquility and acceptance. Water, of course, cleanses. And the flood itself represents a destruction- which the dictionary defines as demolition, devastation. Can this demolition be simply an opportunity to rebuild? Isn’t this what God was supposedly doing? Wiping the slate clean- starting over- taking a DO-Over??
I was sharing all of this with a couple of like-minded friends and the more we discussed, the deeper it all became. Finally it occurred to me that the story is actually about accepting the challenges posed to us and seeking sanctuary within.
I thought of my own journey. Cancer certainly started out as a Flood for me. I was lost, overwhelmed, terrified, certainly not in control… If you look back over my journey, I decided long ago that this was my opportunity to take a Do-Over, to begin again. Over time, by going within, I built my own ark. My sanctuary. In a way, cancer itself became my ark, as I began to trust the lessons it taught me- teaches me- accept the gifts it granted me.
I returned to my daughter yesterday and shared my new interpretation for the story of the flood: Sometimes God gives us a flood to deal with- challenges, difficulties- and it is up to us to chose- do we let it overwhelm us- over take us? Or do we build an ark and let the waters lead us to the mountain top? It is ultimately our choice.
So, transform your floods into healing waters. Take trials as opportunities to start again. Look for the lessons, the gifts in the midst of adversity. Begin to build your ark one board, one nail at a time. And go within… All the answers lie within.
And never forget, at the end of every storm is a rainbow- a promise of better things. Hope, Faith, Love and Joy.
Never stop searching for that rainbow.
Karen
Keep Reaching No Matter What!
September 5, 2009 by Karen
Me and My Girl
Feeling sad today. I miss my baby girl.
It is amazing how when we carry someone- share our bodies with them- we are linked in a way that cannot be put to words. Connected forever.
I hate this- hate that I am missing today. Missing out on so much of her life. She is growing in leaps and bounds. Intelligent. Compassionate. Kind. Beautiful. Funny. People say she is starting to look like me. (I still don’t see it) She wants to emulate me. Which is not always the best thing…
She asked recently when she was going to get cancer… NEVER! Ever!
Most of the time I can find the JOY in the situation… When we are together on our ten day stints each month we are TRULY together. We make each and every moment count. Even the quiet, side by side, doin’ our own things moments. And the time she is in Austin, I know she is safe and healthy and happy. She loves her Daddy and he loves her. And I get time to heal- to rest… But of course I would much rather be with Zaiden. Always…
This has been the hardest part of the ride. The not having daily physical contact with my daughter- my baby whom I carried and nursed. Yes, I still have my “Why Me!?” days. My fits of tears. My Feelin-sorry-for-myself, stuck in the blues moments. It sucks. It’s hard. I hate it. I want to scream (and sometimes I do!). I get angry with myself and with God…
But I always come back, eventually. Because this is it. This is what I have to deal with. And so I Reach. I Reach high. I Reach deep. Sometimes it is difficult to find. But it is there… The Joy.
I am here, I am alive, I can sing and dance and play and eat and laugh and cry and learn and love and live.
And my baby will always be my baby.
They can’t take that away from me…
Reach- Reach for your Joy- no matter what life throws at you.
With tears in my eyes, sending you JOY-
Karen
with love from Zaiden
Enough
August 30, 2009 by Karen
The night of the Big Shave
Writing has been difficult for me lately. Something in me is shifting and I am anxious to understand my life’s purpose- my Mission, so to speak. I keep thinking that it has to be something Huge-Earth Shattering. I am coming to realize that just Being the Light that we are is enough.
People tell me all the time that they find me “so brave.” Often I don’t feel all that brave. I was just reading Pema Chodron- she is a Buddit Nun whom I had the pleasure of seeing speak recently- and she reminded me that bravery is being afraid and still moving forward. She encouraged me to face my fears and keep on keeping on. Maybe that is the best definition of bravery. It is the best I have so far.
I began losing my hair a few weeks ago. I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe it was merely thinning. But when my daughter picked up a handful of hair from the pillow I had slept on, I knew it was time. Zaiden’s involvement was healing for us both. We started super short, then after a week, my dearest Laura shaved the rest off while Zaiden held my hand, reminding me that Bald is Beautiful.
It is amazing, as women, how much our identities are linked to our hair. Our breasts. It is humbling beyond words… I am working on looking myself in the eye- reminding myself that beauty is far deeper than hair. Reminding myself that I am beautiful, I am a woman… I am ENOUGH.
The reality is, I am terrified! Terrified of getting sicker, terrified of not seeing my daughter grow up, terrified of nausea and pain. There is a difference, however, in being scared and having fear. To me, having fear is having no faith. Faith that I AM strong enough, brave enough- or simply ENOUGH.
So there is my thought for today… I am ENOUGH
Keep Faith and Joy Close
Karen
kareng@reachforthejoy.org
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Cup Half Full
Cup Half Full is a beautiful, important book of women and men on the journey with breast cancer, photographed by the incredible Katy Tartakoff. I was lucky enough to participate in this important project. It's an amazing book and 75% of all proceeds go to support breast cancer charities.
