My Final Curtain
January 5, 2011 by Karen
Always My Angel Baby
As I enjoy each delicious moment in this tired out young body of mine, I have much time and even a bit of physical energy to truly reflect on the past 42 1/2 blessed years.
I am grateful for this little body- It has served me well for many amazing adventures, including a natural child-birth- the greatest miracle my body certainly ever performed!
I am grateful for my parents, who have loved and encouraged me my whole life through- who gave me wings to soar, who worried about and prayed for me and fought me “for my own good”- but who ultimately allowed me, encouraged me to be exactly who I needed to be- even when it hurt them or they didn’t agree with my choices. I could not have picked more perfect parents for this journey. My heart is filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE for you both.
I am grateful for my brothers, who have always been my favorite boys, my favorite men (whether they know it or not, it is true from the depth of my soul). I love you both so dearly, so deeply, without condition.
I am grateful for my entire BIG, HUGE, CRAZY, FUN extended family: especially Ed and Renee who have been such a special part of my world that could only be fulfilled by each of you. I love you both so much!! I am soooo grateful for the Garcia and Merrill families!!! Thank you for a LIFETIME of love and laughter!
I am grateful for every friend, lover, co-worker- passerby. A relationship can be a lifetime or a moment. Thank you for any moment we shared. We all learn so much form one another in the least expected places. (Stay open to the lesson!).
There are certainly a handful of extraordinary people who will always be regarded in a special place in my heart. Knowing you changed me for the better and I am honored by having shared a special period of our lives…. You all know who you are 
I am grateful for Rick- for the Father he is and is becoming with Zaiden’s and God’s guidance. (And thank you to all the amazing people Rick has surrounded himself and Zaiden with). He and Zaiden are a wonder to behold.
And more than anything, I am most grateful for my beloved angel daughter. She was a GIFT from Heaven to me these six years and now I humbly gift her back to the world to heal it, to love and nurture it, to grow into the incredible woman I know she is capable of, who will move mountains.
Reflecting on these six years, I can hardly contain my elation. I wish everyone had the kind of peace I hold in my heart now. When I was diagnosed with cancer, chances are I had been afflicted with this disease for a number of years- perhaps even before Zaiden was conceived. Had I known—???? Well, I didn’t and so I lived in ignorant bliss the first two years of Zaiden’s life. She was hardly away from me for a full 2 1/2 years. Once I was diagnosed and told that my life was finite, I was able to then be completely PRESENT each and every single moment we shared. What Mom gets to actually say that?!! And NOW!! Well, now I have orchestra tickets to Zaiden Victoria von Schnier’s production! And I can hardly wait to be seated!!
I have left Zaiden many many tokens, messages, and a published book! (Details will follow on the www.reachforthejoy.org site and perhaps FB, BUT, here is the short version- Hibiscus publishing and Krista Vernoff have agreed to take on When Mommy Got Cancer. With God’s will and the incredible work, compassion and talent of Dr Ruth Clark and Krista Vernoff, my desire to share a bit of our story will be a reality in 2011-2012. Wow!
And now as I prepare for my final bow, there are a couple of things I wish to share.
Today I am so blessed. Each day I wake up, I have only 2 goals: manage my pain, and enJOY each moment. And so I am, and so I do. And God has given me the energy to get around, so I am seeing theatre and films with my parents and friends… And somehow each day, I meet a new person who just wants to talk- and at long last, I am learning to listen with 100% conviction.
My “program notes,” as I prepare to return to my dressing room are as follows:
- LOVE EVERYONE WITHOUT CONDITION- INCLUDING YOURSELF. ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! YOU ARE PERFECT EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. EACH OF US IS ONLY DOING OUR BEST.
- FORGIVE EVERYONE- ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! AGAIN, WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO BE HAPPY AND SAFE.
- BE PRESENT AND FIND A WAY TO ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, EVEN THE TOUGH STUFF – IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION.
These last is a reminder from Zaiden:
-Don’t blame the carpet (you gotta think about it)
- Give 100% focus to your desires while paying NO ATTENTION to what you do not desire.
Heaven is within. I will be holding you all in light. Please pray for my peaceful passing. I have loved each of you.
Go in Peace. I wish you JOY.
Karen
-
A New Choice
June 29, 2010 by Karen
I CHOOSE JOY!!
When she spins her yarn, one is held captive, lifted back in time, reliving the adventure alongside her. Her voice depicts pure emotion while she engages her entire body in the telling. She is brave enough to attempt new words such as camouflage and apprehensive (both recently used correctly to my delight). She draws a vivid picture in technicolor and re-experiences the passion of each emotion. She quite literally takes her audience by the hand and guides them through details I am astonished she can recall. Even as far back as 2 years of age.
One thing, however, unsettled me recently while encouraging her to share her Disneyland experiences with Grandma. I listened with anticipation, assuming she would talk about her delight in meeting Mickey & Minnie in person on the way out of the park (we had them all to ourselves before other families even caught on!) or the thrill of SOARIN’ OVER CALIFORNIA (an awesome virtual reality ride… one of the few rides I felt comfortable on- we went twice!). Instead, she began with ” Oh, Grandma, this was soooo sad. I was really scared and I even cried! Right, Momma?” Now, normally I support her freedom to tell it her way, only piping in when invited to help her recall a detail or a name. Her stories can supply clues to how she is really feeling- and obviously I am completely entertained. But on this occasion, I could not bite my tongue- I had to intervene.
Over the past two years, I have often deeply considered what compels me to retell certain stories of my history- those that I remember as painful, and even cause immediate stress in my body in the telling, although I may be recalling an event that is years old (and I believe to have healed from whatever wounds I licked for however long). I spent many of my teen and young adult years enjoying, on some perverse level, the attention and pity bestowed upon me as I portrayed the victim in the drama I created: my own life. An old friend once remarked that he thought I enjoyed it when people “felt sorry” for me. I had never considered the possibility. It sort of made sense. OUCH! That was 11 years ago. Just before I met Rick, Zaiden’s Daddy. I have never forgotten that moment- It stung, but I am glad someone finally said it! I have often reflected on his observation, especially when I discover myself weaving a sad, “poor-me” account. It has taken me years, but I think I am getting more successful at “catching myself.” I don’t berate myself. A mistake is for correction, not punishment. But I do take a moment and ask myself what my purpose is in telling this story. In the words of the late Jeffrey Nikelson, am I “Complainin’ or just ’splainin?” And then I either continue, or choose not to.
I have become gradually more and more conscious of the words that come out of my mouth- and even the thoughts that swim around in my head, or the words on the pages of my journal. The readings I have been devouring of late- modern spiritual writings, holy books and even novels remind me that each of us creates our own reality. That by retelling tales of woe, our subconscious, the Universe, the Law of Attraction or what you will hears that as a request for MORE OF THE SAME! “It” doesn’t know the difference between something that is actually happening and something that is remembered- especially when charged with emotion. By recalling our own suffering, we are actually inviting more suffering into our experience.
A couple of weeks ago, I let Zaiden know that there was something that she needed to do for me that meant a small sacrifice on her part. I predicted her reply: “I don’t want to.” I viewed this as an opportunity for her to grow. I explained to her that, unfortunately, this was not one of those times that she gets to choose whether or not to comply with my wishes. BUT- she did have a choice of how she would respond. And only SHE had the power to make that choice and live with its consequences. She could choose to get upset about it and make her (and my) time miserable, OR she could choose to see it as an exciting adventure, or even a kind favor to Mom. As she considered this, I saw a moment of clarity fill her brown eyes as she surrendered a crooked, knowing smile. And guess what? She had a GREAT TIME!
We all have the same choice! While we don’t always get to choose whether or not to go to the DMV or the dentist, pick up after the dog, or drive in rush hour, we CAN choose how we respond. We can kick and scream, complain to anyone who will listen, and stress out our bodies OR we can find a way to delight in the moment.
I play this little game with myself inspired by the last chapter of Eckert Tolle’s “A New Earth.” Tolle discusses the power that lies within each of us as driven by our thoughts. If the goal is to be truly happy, we must learn to accept what is, find a way to enjoy the moment, and if possible, find excitement in the living of the moment. I made up small signs and posted them everywhere: on the windshield of the car, in the bathroom, on the fridge, in the laundry room- anywhere I might need a reminder. I paired each word with a bright yellow smiley face, depicting an equivalent emotion. The words are ACCEPTANCE, ENJOYMENT, EXCITEMENT. In any given moment, the sign reminds me to take an honest look at where I am. And then I ask myself if it is achievable to “bump up a level.” For example, while sitting in traffic, I have a choice. I can choose to be stressed out that I am going to be late, get angry at the other drivers, cry, call someone on the phone and complain, get out of the car and scream… OR I can flip my visor down and find acceptance. I can have a little chat with my ego and remind myself that I am alive, right here and right now, surrender the frustration, remember that my being upset will not change the flow of traffic. Now I am in acceptance. Can I get myself to ENJOYMENT? Probably. I can use the time to (safely!) call a friend to catch up, listen to a favorite CD, sing with my daughter, really take in the sights of nature surrounding me. How about EXCITEMENT? Maybe, maybe not. But I have surprised myself! And just the simple act of playing this game with myself when I am taking care of some mundane task has helped to create far more JOY and far less stress and suffering.
No, we cannot always choose what we are doing. But we and only we have the power to choose how to respond to our circumstances.
There is an old Buddhist story about a monk who was chased by hungry lions off of a cliff. As he hung by his fingertips to the sharp rocks knowing there were only two ways out, and both led to suffering and ultimate death, he noticed a strawberry growing out of the side of the cliff. He somehow plucked that strawberry and took it into his mouth. He savored the sweetness, the texture, the natural beauty of his last strawberry with all his attention. He died, but not without acceptance, enjoyment, and quite possibly, even excitement. (Although not the sort of excitement most of us would invite!)
When Zaiden began her tale of the scary ride at Disneyland that upset her so much, I asked her a simple question. “What makes you wish to consciously, purposely choose to re-experience the painful emotions you felt that day? Is it because you want to experience them again? Or to communicate to God that you want more of the same in the future? Because if this is your goal, I support you. I just want you to be aware of the power you hold by talking about and thinking about painful circumstances. I want to remind you that you and only you have the control over your own thoughts and only you can choose how you want to create your future. It is up to you. For example, you CAN choose, instead to share how you felt when Minnie Mouse gave you a hug, or how brave you were on the same ride that frightened you when you later asked me to take you on it again and ride with you and hold you and talk to you. THAT is a story worth telling, in my opinion, because you faced your fear head on and you grew because of that decision.” Zaiden is used to me talking like this. And I believe in that moment, she got it. I have not heard her tell that story since.
The point is, WE are the ones holding the remote control (or as Zaiden calls it, “the Ma-Rote”) No one else can decide for me. I can choose to continue to retell and relive my sad stories, continue to see myself as a victim of the world, and communicate to the Universe “Please, sir, may I have another!” And this is ok. As long as I am aware that this is my own choosing. Often we become comfortable with a certain familiarity- and suffering is no different.
OR I can make a new choice in this moment, not concerning myself with always or never- just this moment. Search my heart for excitement or enjoyment. And if neither are available to me, then at least acceptance. And later on, when I have a quiet moment alone, reflect on what I may have learned, what I have gained by making a new choice.
With compassion and love in my heart~
Karen
p.s. I am FINALLY, LEGALLY Karen Ann Puanani Garcia!!
EnJOY the Ride!
May 15, 2010 by Karen
It has been said more times than one can count, “God never gives us more than we can handle.” Throughout what I like to call my journey with cancer, I have discovered the raw truth of this adage. For I have found myself facing my day with joy, faith, gratitude and hope- even in the darkest of hours. Little did I know (until I needed it most), the strength lay within me. It came not from struggle and strife, but from grace and surrender, from faith- in myself, in others, in God. And ultimately from Reaching for the Joy.
I feel that it is time that I explain just what this catch-phrase that I believe I coined means to me. Reach for the JOY is not a denial of circumstances or of ignoring the pain and suffering of my life. In fact, it is in this lesson that I have learned to embrace ALL of my emotions and allow them to work their way through me with honesty. Yet at the end of the day- and many times throughout- I find myself counting my blessings, seeing the gifts in the challenges, and somehow finding many reasons to smile. Reaching for joy is my way of finding that silver lining no matter how menacing the cloud. And I have discovered many others like myself, who have found strength in adversity, faith in difficult times and joy in the midst of unbearable pain.
To paraphrase Dr. Bernie Seigal (whose Love, Medicine and Miracles is a must read for everyone, ill or well!): no two people would willingly trade their disease for another’s. “We are most comfortable with our own unique set of problems.”
This is not to say that I didn’t and still don’t have moments, or even weeks of despair, frustration, even anger over my current situation. Yet I have learned first-hand that a roller coaster of emotions is normal, even necessary, and certainly healing. As long as one ultimately finds gratitude for something at the end of the day, all is well.
I’ve found myself frustrated by cries of good-hearted friends who complain to me about a flu or migraine or being laid off… ‘Wanna trade?’ I never allow myself to voice this- nor do I feel it very often. But I must admit that in my darkest hours I have found myself wishing to trade places with an insensitive neighbor, even for an hour. “You want to know pain? Ha! Walk in MY slipper socks for a day!”
Yet on closer, honest examination, I’ve come to realize that even in the midst of stage 4 cancer, excruciating bone pain, a frustrating divorce where I seem to have lost my voice in the living arrangements of my now 5 year old daughter (who continuously verbalizes to her father and me that her heart tells her she needs to be with Mommy right now), and now losing our beloved home with no solution in sight, that I CAN and DO find bouquets of love, laughter, fun and peace in any given day- even the toughest ones. This is a gift I cannot take personal credit for. And yet a minor fender bender, mild constipation or even a broken nail can lead me to whining and complaining. The lesson here is that all of our suffering is suffering- there is no comparing, no judgment- and it is HOW we approach such suffering that creates our reality. I have learned so much from my faithful teacher, cancer, yet there seems still much to discover about myself and this journey called life.
After serious meditation and a great deal of procrastination, I am at last ready to bear down and give birth to the book I’ve spent nearly three years talking about. Telling MY personal story never felt like the complete vision. Isn’t mine “just another cancer survivor story?” I’ve read them all- some better than others (my absolute favorite is “My One Night Stand with Cancer” by Tania Katan- please find a copy!) Do I really need to compete with the Susan Komen’s of the world? Was what I’ve been through really of enough interest to warrant an entire book? Wasn’t there more to it than to share my personal suffering? Because, as I’ve come to realize, we all suffer to various degrees. And no one can truly ‘appreciate’ the suffering of another without having endured similar struggles. And it is useless to play comparison games.
As any new Mom can attest, no one can prepare you for motherhood. You have to experience it for yourself. Nor can one anticipate her reaction upon hearing she has terminal cancer with an outside chance of seeing the child who lay sleeping in her arms reach her next birthday. It is in that moment of truth where your true nature unfolds. Each of us has our own experiences and destinies regardless of the similarities to another’s. And this was no different.
Many have called me strong and courageous in the wake of my battles. I don’t know that I can take full credit for my fortitude. Like the young soldier in “A Red Badge of Courage,” I often felt like a coward, cursing, doubting, crying myself to sleep- a fraud wearing a bright pink ribbon. The best definition for courage I have ever heard comes from the Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron: Courage is being deathly afraid, but moving forward, nonetheless. (I am paraphrasing). This allowed me to embrace my endurance in a new light.
So, then, what is this all about? The dis-ease, the completely transparent writings offered up to the world-wide-web, the altering of my very soul? Is there indeed a reason for all of this? Or was I fooling myself that I am so important to God that He even noticed my earthly problems?
I cannot help but feel I was assigned this role, as some pre-earthly commitment to pass on certain wisdom, lessons learned, triumphs in spite of the foundation of my world caving in. And I believe that each one of God’s billions of children have a unique mission to complete. So what is mine? And how can I be certain to fulfill it with the respect it deserves?
While in Mexico last spring (2009), I met many remarkable survivors- people who, like myself had refused to take this dis-ease at face value. They, too, had seized the opportunity to forgive old resentments, to mend broken relationships, to step beyond what little of their comfort-zone remained and take on (or at least attempt) the things that before cancer had frightened them. The healing power in these things, alone, are tremendous forces with which to be reckoned. (Look out, Cancer! I’ve got your number!) I was surrounded by people of every age and stage who’d sprouted wings, their faith was so strong. I’d also encountered a small minority who opted instead to abandon all hope and joy, and thus, write their own death sentence. Sad, but true, that our free will can lead us to a path of destruction that even the most formidable disease seems minor in comparison. I witnessed many determined to undermine their internal life force by simple giving up. No judgement. We each have our unique path. But I would not be a statistic!
I began in earnest to avoid people- sick or well- who are chronic complainers- to sever all ties when possible. I erased “can’t” from my (and my daughter’s) vocabulary. I began to focus my energy on what Dr. Bernie dubs Exceptional Patients: to accept that, yes, I am going to die one day, and how do I choose to enhance the quality of my life while I remain in this body?
Death is unavoidable. We are all “terminal,” after all. No one of us gets out of here alive. Dying of cancer is no more a “failure” than dying of old age. We just don’t get to live forever in these mortal coils.
Quality over quantity. With every breath, every smile, every sunrise or sunset- I’ll take quality please.
I am truly grateful for every magical moment I get to share with my precious daughter. Due in large part to my brush with death, I have grown infinitely more compassionate, patient, kind, loving and grateful. And when I do catch myself grumping or taken for granted or wasting one single hug, I gently call myself back to THIS moment and find a new way to approach the invitation to learn. The opportunity to love. For THIS, to me, is truly living.
When I consider how many hours of my finite time on earth I have spent regretting, fuming or even ignoring, I realize with elation that I have always had a choice! And my faith in the ability to make the best choice for today grows exponentially with every opportunity to choose.
It may seem difficult to understand how someone who has been through all I have endured can speak so openly of God and Love. How can I not blame God? Or at least hold Her accountable for so much anguish- question His motives? And I have, and occasionally still do. In fact, after years of practicing gratitude during our night-time prayer routine, I recently considered that perhaps my daughter needed permission to purge her emotions for the pain and suffering she has endured. Isn’t creating a safe outlet for anger exactly what I have been embracing, writing about, even (forgive me!), preaching? Hadn’t I learned myself that power that brings about healing? So, one night before our typical bed-time ritual, I asked if she ever felt mad at God, or for that matter, ME, for not being the fun, healthy, playful Mommy she deserves. At first she looked at me with eyes wide in astonishment, shocked that I could even suggest such blasphemy (not that she is aware of such a term). She whispered in disbelief, “Am I allowed to say mean things to GOD?” Yet behind the mask of insecurity, I could see her body relax for being granted such permission. She could not, herself, utter such words. Not yet, anyway. She’d been raised, afterall to be grateful, tolerant and kind. To see God in everything and everyone. How could this same God who gave her the gifts of so much joy be responsible for her anguish? Be the recipient of her worst thoughts, her scariest feelings?
She’d recently begun to admonish me and other adults for using such “bad words” as hate and stupid. So I made sure to use these words with emotional fervor to assist her in freeing whatever pain she’s been harboring in the secret places of her heart.
“Dear God,” I began, “why did you have to give my Mommy cancer? It’s not fair! I hate you!” (she audibly gasped, looking up at me for assurance.) I continued with raw emotion, “I HATE this STUPID, UGLY, CRAPPY CANCER!! I love my Mom so much and she deserves to be healthy! Other kids have Moms who can chase them and wrestle with them and run; who don’t throw up every day; who have long, beautiful hair. I wouldn’t trade my Mom for anything, but why did you have to give her cancer!??” And so it went, for several nights, at her suggestion. She has yet to brave these words herself. But I assure her daily that it is not only okay, but God WANTS us to lay our burdens on Him- ALL of them! Even the ones She may be responsible for. And, just like Mommy (even more so), God will ALWAYS listen, always understand and always forgive… no matter what.
If there is only one thing that cancer has urged me to pass on to anyone willing to listen, it is this: LET GO OF YOUR ANGER!! Let it go- the moment you feel it, experience it in all its glory. Hit a pillow, scream out load, go to a batting cage- anything that feels sincere to you and that doesn’t cause you or another physical harm. Holding onto anger leads to resentment, dis-ease and perhaps even cancer.
I now know that I “got cancer” in order to grow as a spiritual human being. That much is obvious to anyone who knows me. But I feel there is more that I am called to accomplish because of this experience. Yes, living a joy-filled life and being the example for my little girl is an admirable task, to be certain. Yet why then this writing that often comes to me as a dream or even a voice of clarity?
And then it hit me… well, I suppose hit is not exactly accurate. It has been more of a gradual unfolding, like the petals of a rose in spring- evidence in nearly every garden I pass just now. A rose cannot be forced to bloom. You have to patiently allow it to unfold itself in its own precise time- much like a human being- or her story…
I have been fortunate to have shared tears and prayers with many remarkable women in my lifetime. Perhaps more obviously in my recent history due to my heightened awareness. Women who have encountered extraordinary difficulties, seemingly insurmountable odds, broken hearts, dreams, bodies and minds that would have led another to run for her life, or perhaps not make it out alive. Yet these warrior women have transcended to an inner peace, devout faith, and yes, even joy in spite of the foundation of their world collapsing.
How? What is the secret behind such perseverance, such Olympian strength? And so, this is, at long last, the subject of my book, Reach for the Joy. It is MY story, it is HER story, it is YOUR story. It is deeply human. It is the tale of finding the LIGHT that lies within every one of us on the dawn of the “Dark Night of the Soul.”
It is my JOY and privilege to share these incredible stories of every-day women called to become warriors, survivors, light-bearers. These women are all of us- you will recognize your sister, your lover, your daughter, your mother, yourself. It is my desire and hope that in sharing these poignant, honest stories, perhaps someone reading will locate her own inner light without needing to face the demons, or her own mortality, or the mortality of her child; without endless, tear-filled nights of doubt and fear.
While I would not call this a “religious” book, it is certainly full of spirit. Because what each and every one of these stories have in common is the willingness to at last surrender all that she is, all that she has, to some Divine Assistant, some voice inside that whispers, “Trust me, everything is going to be alright.”
And even is we lose the battle, by finding hope and joy, we’ve won the war.
In Faith, Hope and Boundless JOY~
Karen
p.s. I am currently working on a formal book proposal. I have approached several women who are generous enough to share their stories. But I need more! I am looking for stories of WOMEN who have found their spirit because of their suffering, be it disease, loss of life, or anything else that may have threatened their faith, their essence, their life. Please, please, contact me immediately if you have a story you wish to share. I plan to put a substantial portion of any income derived from this book toward helping women find their truth. Thank you.
Are you KIDDING me??
April 8, 2010 by Karen
Sometimes I reread what I wrote and I wonder who wrote that…
When I am feeling the joy, I get inspired from somewhere within or beyond. The essays pour out of me in their entirety. I rarely need to edit.
It is days like today that I just feel like I don’t even know who that other person is and where she gets her cheerful disposition. One of the challenges of being me- I am so freaking emotional and sensitive- I go from one extreme to the other and I find it hard to relate to the other half of me…
In all fairness to those who are traveling a similar path- or whatever your issues, because we all have em- I keep thinking I need to share my dark side as well. Funny, the inspiration doesn’t come when I am singing the blues.
But I do need to share that there are days, even weeks when I question why I am still here. Question God’s plan and how much stronger He/She intends for me to be. I try to allow myself to have “why me” moments, cry and scream, and then let go. Sometimes the letting go doesn’t happen so easily. Sometimes the feeling lingers for weeks. I want to crawl in a hole and, frankly, close my eyes and never wake up.
I feel like I have nothing to give to the people closest to me. As if I am a burden to be contended with. But, even as I write this, I am not looking for pity or people to tell me “no, you are a wonderful person, blah blah…” and I don’t know how to express these feelings here without appearing as though I am inviting that sort of sympathy.
I signed up for hospice to make me comfortable, to create a peaceful environment, let go of the need to fight. But while I hoped things would “ease up” on my journey, the challenges continue to overwhelm me- just when I think it can’t possibly get any worse, it does, somehow. For over a month now, I cannot seem to keep more than one meal a day down. Sometimes just a strawberry will send me running for the nearest bucket. We have tried every nausea med out there. One of them caused my vision to blur- I freaked out that the brain tumors had returned and that I was losing my eyesight! Damn side effect! (Thank GOD!) I am down to 114. Even in my Hollywood days I never dreamed of this svelt-ness. This would put even miss Moss to shame…
As I try to hang onto my faith that things will get better, the news keeps getting worse. I just found out earlier today that my landlady has sold the house I am renting and the new tenants are moving in June 15. I am devastated- and quite frankly in shock. The way it was all carried out makes me question the kindness of the human race! These people actually MET me through a ruse… The land lady traipsed them through the house under the pretense of looking into a plumbing issue or something. As I lay on the sofa with my five year old on my lap, these cold hearted buyers glanced at me and made the bold assumption that I am not long for this world! So thought nothing about putting me and my 5 year old out as I finish my life’s journey.
I am amazed! I mean, what if I am supposed to be here for months, or even years?? They expect me to look for and find another apartment and MOVE?! I cannot even wrap my mind around it!
I feel as though I am being pushed into my grave, yet God has yet to invite me into the afterlife!
When I found this little house a year and a half ago, it meant HOPE to me- Hope that I would survive- that I would get well, that I would have my daughter to raise with a backyard and a real neighborhood. We have created such a loving, wonderful home. And now it is all over. But I am still here!
I have no more fight in me. On days when I feel the sunshine, I feel as though I may have a chance at living the life I deserve- healthy, vibrant, affluent, traveling to book signings and PTA meetings, dining out with friends, vacationing in Hawaii and Greece, taking Zaiden to see family and friends on both coasts, laying on the beach, drinking Margaritas at sunset… But I am beginning to lose all faith…
At this moment I am reflecting on what appears to be a life of failure after failure. 2 failed marriages, an acting career that left me in poverty, I haven’t finished school (I am 11 credits shy of graduating and was hoping to finally hear “Pomp and Circumstance” for my benefit in July), I gave birth to a truly amazing little girl and it doesn’t look as though I will get to see her grow up. I am quite literally at the end of my rope!
I had a long and wonderful talk with my beloved friend and spiritual mentor, Kathy B tonight. God Bless her! She always gives me a new perspective and a reminder of my faith. No matter what I am facing, Kathy has a way of bringing me back to center. She reminded me that when God was “handing out scripts” (to use my vernacular!) – I saw the role of “Karen Kalena Ann Puanani Garcia/Stapleton/von Schnier” and said “OOOO- MEE MEEE!! I want that part!!” Because I do believe that we have a choice in our pre-earthly existence. But right now, I want to renegotiate my contract!! Are there Agents to the Angels or something like this??
I am working on finding a way to believe that God is taking care of me- that there is a plan and that it will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to. But I tell ya, my faith is being tested to the limit! I never imagined I had the strength to get through all I have already endured, and yet, here is another seemingly insurmountable challenge!
I don’t know what I will do- or where to turn except to God and to this writing.
I really don’t enjoy complaining. I know that, in spite of all I am dealing with, I still have many blessings. But, as Zaiden has grown fond of saying (Thank you Hannah Montana!) “AW- COME ON!!!!”
Not quite sure how to close this. I have no words of wisdom. So I invite you, beloved friends and family, please shower me with YOUR faith, YOUR wisdom, YOUR light.
I posted on Facebook the other night that I am in need of some virtual hugs. BRING EM ON! And if you have anything to share, I am all ears.
Blessings to you and yours. Cherish the ones you love. Enjoy the sunshine. Treasure your body and your health. Give your problems over to the one Creator. No one said this would be easy!
Karen
ps- I will find another photo of my home when I get over the shock… For now, this one is me and Koko in front of our fabulous red door. (Before Taxol….)
Sing Your Song
March 22, 2010 by Karen
I am feeling as though the end of my journey is near. I am truly surrendered.
This is to be rejoiced. I have completed many of the missions I set forth to accomplish in this current body. I thought there might be more. And perhaps there is.
I have thought and prayed a great deal on this. At one time I thought my mission was to act- to share human emotion in a theatrical bent- to create joy, laughter, contemplation through the words of Shakespeare and Shaw and lesser playwrights.
Still other times, I thought it was to write the great best seller.
I believed that it was to make a big “SPLASH” in one way of other.
What if it was all for Zaiden? What if my nearly 42 years was all to prepare me to prepare her for her greatness? What if it was all for the people whose lives I have touched and effected in some way? What if it was nothing more than learning to love? And to forgive? Is this not a high calling? I am beginning to see that it is.
If all our lives amount to is loving those we reach, isn’t this a great accomplishment? To love and be loved is the highest of all callings.
Surrender is a word that I have been using ad-nauseum of late. Surrender. It is not “giving up” or “giving in” to the dis-ease or to the pain and suffering of my human life. No. It is quite the opposite.
For me, I have learned much on this journey with cancer. It has been a great teacher to me- and I believe to many whose life has crossed mine in some way. I have learned to love, to forgive, to accept. I am sure that there is always more to be learned, but I am satisfied with where I have gotten myself.
You know that I believe in “ONENESS”- that we are all connected by spirit. We are all God and God is us. Consider music. Music is a concept that connot be touched. Only when it is deciphered can it be heard and felt. Music can capture our hearts and minds- and yet it is not tangible. I see each of us as a particular melody- a unique combination of notes, pauses, stanzas. We harmonize our song with others in love. It all sounds lovely when we meet our “Song-mates.” Yet, there are times when our own beautiful melody is combined with another’s song quite different from ours and suddenly ours sounds out of tune, too loud or too soft, not quite right. And we doubt our own ability to sing our song. Or we blame the other for creating “bad music.” But ultimately, each of us has our song and whether our song meets anothers in harmony or not, we are all music. And it is our right, our duty, our mission to sing that song proudly. This is how I see our connection to the Creator and to one another.
I have been singing my song for 42 years now, sometimes singing loudly, proudly with clarity and pride. Other times I have tried to hide my song for fear of it being mis-heard or creating a cacaphony when combined with another song vastly different than mine. But all our songs are to be heard- loud and clear.
Sing your song! Sing it loud- sing it proud! You have so much to share!
One of my favorite songs as a child was Karen Carpenter’s “Sing a Song“- “Don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear- just sing!” The simplest lessons are those we learn early on and carry us into the big, scarey world.
I have been honored to raise my spirited, independent- thinking, unique Zaiden for just over five years. I was not prepared to leave her so soon. But I get that this was a part of my journey and part of hers. I hear her repeat some of the lessons I have taught her in her play and it fills my heart with JOY. It reminds me that she will be wonderful- she IS wonderful- in spite of the difficulties she has already endured- and those she will endure. She chose ME- of all the other “Mommys” available for the pickin’. I was the one she chose to love and learn from. I was the one she chose to help bring out her song that she will go one singing until her journey’s end. I was who she trusted with her first, vital five years. And her Daddy is who she chose to remain with once I am gone. And their songs will blend and divide in order to challange one another to their own unique songs. And I trust, too, that he was chosen for this particular job with wisdom and clarity. They are divine partners to bring about the opera or musical that is theirs and theirs alone. Meanwhile, I will have the great privlege of living in her heart, reminding her to proudly sing her song, no matter what. I will watch over her from a cloud, beaming proudly as her voice raises in all its perfection- all its “Zaiden-ness.” What an extremely high calling.
Zaiden seems to get what is going on. Out of her mouth came the request to be with me now for as long as we have. Her Daddy heard her and conceded to her request. So she is now by my side until she is not. And we find the harmonies we share each and every day.
She lets me rest (usually!), she compassionately helps out whenever I need something. And in my lucid moments, she sings to me- always reminding me in her sweet way that she chose me and that she will be ok.
I am so honored to have had the opportunity to touch your life. I am so grateful for all the love I have received, all the harmonies I have sung with so many great souls. Especially Zaiden.
Thank you for following me on my personal journey. I am truly living one day at a time, taking advantage of momentary strength, learning to sleep and rest when it is apparent that that is what is needed most. I have grown closer to my Mom than I ever dreamed possible. She and I have finally found where our songs connect and are creating beautiful music together these days.
I don’t know where or when this journey will come to a close. I only trust in this moment.
We are all “terminal”- none of us has any guarantees. None of us will “get out of here alive.” It is truly all about the journey. Learn from my lessons. Live for NOW. Love everyone for their own unique song- even if it is chaos to your ears. And DANCE!
Continue to Reach for the JOY! It is all within you!
Namaste. I see you, I hear you and I honor you for the light being that you are.
With Love and Gratitude-
Karen
Connect on Facebook
Cup Half Full
Cup Half Full is a beautiful, important book of women and men on the journey with breast cancer, photographed by the incredible Katy Tartakoff. I was lucky enough to participate in this important project. It's an amazing book and 75% of all proceeds go to support breast cancer charities.
