Are you KIDDING me??

April 8, 2010 by Karen

Sometimes I reread what I wrote and I wonder who wrote that…

When I am feeling the joy, I get inspired from somewhere within or beyond. The essays pour out of me in their entirety. I rarely need to edit.

It is days like today that I just feel like I don’t even know who that other person is and where she gets her cheerful disposition. One of the challenges of being me- I am so freaking emotional and sensitive- I go from one extreme to the other and I find it hard to relate to the other half of me…

In all fairness to those who are traveling a similar path- or whatever your issues, because we all have em- I keep thinking I need to share my dark side as well. Funny, the inspiration doesn’t come when I am singing the blues.

But I do need to share that there are days, even weeks when I question why I am still here. Question God’s plan and how much stronger He/She intends for me to be. I try to allow myself to have “why me” moments, cry and scream, and then let go. Sometimes the letting go doesn’t happen so easily. Sometimes the feeling lingers for weeks. I want to crawl in a hole and, frankly, close my eyes and never wake up.

I feel like I have nothing to give to the people closest to me. As if I am a burden to be contended with. But, even as I write this, I am not looking for pity or people to tell me “no, you are a wonderful person, blah blah…” and I don’t know how to express these feelings here without appearing as though I am inviting that sort of sympathy.

I signed up for hospice to make me comfortable, to create a peaceful environment, let go of the need to fight. But while I hoped things would “ease up” on my journey, the challenges continue to overwhelm me- just when I think it can’t possibly get any worse, it does, somehow. For over a month now, I cannot seem to keep more than one meal a day down. Sometimes just a strawberry will send me running for the nearest bucket. We have tried every nausea med out there. One of them caused my vision to blur- I freaked out that the brain tumors had returned and that I was losing my eyesight! Damn side effect! (Thank GOD!) I am down to 114. Even in my Hollywood days I never dreamed of this svelt-ness. This would put even miss Moss to shame…

As I try to hang onto my faith that things will get better, the news keeps getting worse. I just found out earlier today that my landlady has sold the house I am renting and the new tenants are moving in June 15. I am devastated- and quite frankly in shock. The way it was all carried out makes me question the kindness of the human race! These people actually MET me through a ruse… The land lady traipsed them through the house under the pretense of looking into a plumbing issue or something. As I lay on the sofa with my five year old on my lap, these cold hearted buyers glanced at me and made the bold assumption that I am not long for this world! So thought nothing about putting me and my 5 year old out as I finish my life’s journey.

I am amazed! I mean, what if I am supposed to be here for months, or even years?? They expect me to look for and find another apartment and MOVE?! I cannot even wrap my mind around it!

I feel as though I am being pushed into my grave, yet God has yet to invite me into the afterlife!

When I found this little house a year and a half ago, it meant HOPE to me- Hope that I would survive- that I would get well, that I would have my daughter to raise with a backyard and a real neighborhood. We have created such a loving, wonderful home. And now it is all over. But I am still here!

I have no more fight in me. On days when I feel the sunshine, I feel as though I may have a chance at living the life I deserve- healthy, vibrant, affluent, traveling to book signings and PTA meetings, dining out with friends, vacationing in Hawaii and Greece, taking Zaiden to see family and friends on both coasts, laying on the beach, drinking Margaritas at sunset… But I am beginning to lose all faith…

At this moment I am reflecting on what appears to be a life of failure after failure. 2 failed marriages, an acting career that left me in poverty, I haven’t finished school (I am 11 credits shy of graduating and was hoping to finally hear “Pomp and Circumstance” for my benefit in July), I gave birth to a truly amazing little girl and it doesn’t look as though I will get to see her grow up. I am quite literally at the end of my rope!

I had a long and wonderful talk with my beloved friend and spiritual mentor, Kathy B tonight. God Bless her! She always gives me a new perspective and a reminder of my faith. No matter what I am facing, Kathy has a way of bringing me back to center. She reminded me that when God was “handing out scripts” (to use my vernacular!) – I saw the role of “Karen Kalena Ann Puanani Garcia/Stapleton/von Schnier” and said “OOOO- MEE MEEE!! I want that part!!” Because I do believe that we have a choice in our pre-earthly existence. But right now, I want to renegotiate my contract!! Are there Agents to the Angels or something like this??

I am working on finding a way to believe that God is taking care of me- that there is a plan and that it will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to. But I tell ya, my faith is being tested to the limit! I never imagined I had the strength to get through all I have already endured, and yet, here is another seemingly insurmountable challenge!

I don’t know what I will do- or where to turn except to God and to this writing.

I really don’t enjoy complaining. I know that, in spite of all I am dealing with, I still have many blessings. But, as Zaiden has grown fond of saying (Thank you Hannah Montana!) “AW- COME ON!!!!”

Not quite sure how to close this. I have no words of wisdom. So I invite you, beloved friends and family, please shower me with YOUR faith, YOUR wisdom, YOUR light.

I posted on Facebook the other night that I am in need of some virtual hugs. BRING EM ON! And if you have anything to share, I am all ears.

Blessings to you and yours. Cherish the ones you love. Enjoy the sunshine. Treasure your body and your health. Give your problems over to the one Creator. No one said this would be easy!

Karen
ps- I will find another photo of my home when I get over the shock… For now, this one is me and Koko in front of our fabulous red door. (Before Taxol….)

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Sing Your Song

March 22, 2010 by Karen

I am feeling as though the end of my journey is near. I am truly surrendered.
This is to be rejoiced. I have completed many of the missions I set forth to accomplish in this current body. I thought there might be more. And perhaps there is.

I have thought and prayed a great deal on this. At one time I thought my mission was to act- to share human emotion in a theatrical bent- to create joy, laughter, contemplation through the words of Shakespeare and Shaw and lesser playwrights.
Still other times, I thought it was to write the great best seller.
I believed that it was to make a big “SPLASH” in one way of other.

What if it was all for Zaiden? What if my nearly 42 years was all to prepare me to prepare her for her greatness? What if it was all for the people whose lives I have touched and effected in some way? What if it was nothing more than learning to love? And to forgive? Is this not a high calling? I am beginning to see that it is.

If all our lives amount to is loving those we reach, isn’t this a great accomplishment? To love and be loved is the highest of all callings.

Surrender is a word that I have been using ad-nauseum of late. Surrender. It is not “giving up” or “giving in” to the dis-ease or to the pain and suffering of my human life. No. It is quite the opposite.

For me, I have learned much on this journey with cancer. It has been a great teacher to me- and I believe to many whose life has crossed mine in some way. I have learned to love, to forgive, to accept. I am sure that there is always more to be learned, but I am satisfied with where I have gotten myself.

You know that I believe in “ONENESS”- that we are all connected by spirit. We are all God and God is us. Consider music. Music is a concept that connot be touched. Only when it is deciphered can it be heard and felt. Music can capture our hearts and minds- and yet it is not tangible. I see each of us as a particular melody- a unique combination of notes, pauses, stanzas. We harmonize our song with others in love. It all sounds lovely when we meet our “Song-mates.” Yet, there are times when our own beautiful melody is combined with another’s song quite different from ours and suddenly ours sounds out of tune, too loud or too soft, not quite right. And we doubt our own ability to sing our song. Or we blame the other for creating “bad music.” But ultimately, each of us has our song and whether our song meets anothers in harmony or not, we are all music. And it is our right, our duty, our mission to sing that song proudly. This is how I see our connection to the Creator and to one another.

I have been singing my song for 42 years now, sometimes singing loudly, proudly with clarity and pride. Other times I have tried to hide my song for fear of it being mis-heard or creating a cacaphony when combined with another song vastly different than mine. But all our songs are to be heard- loud and clear.

Sing your song! Sing it loud- sing it proud! You have so much to share!

One of my favorite songs as a child was Karen Carpenter’s “Sing a Song“- “Don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear- just sing!” The simplest lessons are those we learn early on and carry us into the big, scarey world.

I have been honored to raise my spirited, independent- thinking, unique Zaiden for just over five years. I was not prepared to leave her so soon. But I get that this was a part of my journey and part of hers. I hear her repeat some of the lessons I have taught her in her play and it fills my heart with JOY. It reminds me that she will be wonderful- she IS wonderful- in spite of the difficulties she has already endured- and those she will endure. She chose ME- of all the other “Mommys” available for the pickin’. I was the one she chose to love and learn from. I was the one she chose to help bring out her song that she will go one singing until her journey’s end. I was who she trusted with her first, vital five years. And her Daddy is who she chose to remain with once I am gone. And their songs will blend and divide in order to challange one another to their own unique songs. And I trust, too, that he was chosen for this particular job with wisdom and clarity. They are divine partners to bring about the opera or musical that is theirs and theirs alone. Meanwhile, I will have the great privlege of living in her heart, reminding her to proudly sing her song, no matter what. I will watch over her from a cloud, beaming proudly as her voice raises in all its perfection- all its “Zaiden-ness.” What an extremely high calling.

Zaiden seems to get what is going on. Out of her mouth came the request to be with me now for as long as we have. Her Daddy heard her and conceded to her request. So she is now by my side until she is not. And we find the harmonies we share each and every day.
She lets me rest (usually!), she compassionately helps out whenever I need something. And in my lucid moments, she sings to me- always reminding me in her sweet way that she chose me and that she will be ok.

I am so honored to have had the opportunity to touch your life. I am so grateful for all the love I have received, all the harmonies I have sung with so many great souls. Especially Zaiden.

Thank you for following me on my personal journey. I am truly living one day at a time, taking advantage of momentary strength, learning to sleep and rest when it is apparent that that is what is needed most. I have grown closer to my Mom than I ever dreamed possible. She and I have finally found where our songs connect and are creating beautiful music together these days.

I don’t know where or when this journey will come to a close. I only trust in this moment.

We are all “terminal”- none of us has any guarantees. None of us will “get out of here alive.” It is truly all about the journey. Learn from my lessons. Live for NOW. Love everyone for their own unique song- even if it is chaos to your ears. And DANCE!

Continue to Reach for the JOY! It is all within you!
Namaste. I see you, I hear you and I honor you for the light being that you are.
With Love and Gratitude-
Karen

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An Experiment in Hiaku

February 26, 2010 by Karen

Break Up. Break Down. Broke.
Cracks in the Spirit lead to
Peace, Faith and, yes, Love.
**********************

Surrender Today
To the unseen force within.
No one knows you better.
************************

Waiting to be seen
Each one lost in their own thoughts
Asking God, “Why Me?”

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Dancing with God

February 2, 2010 by Karen

Dancing With God Woman dancing

When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing “dance” at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God’s will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn’t flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It’s as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw “G”: I thought of God, followed by “u” and “i”..
“God, “u” and “i” dance.”
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God’s blessings
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.
This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached.
If God has done anything for you in your life,
please share this message with someone else.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards;
so let’s continue to pray for one another.
And I Hope You Dance Through 2010!
(Sent to me by Lynn Charlton- my co-teacher at Unity Children’s Garden)