Are you KIDDING me??
April 8, 2010 by Karen
Sometimes I reread what I wrote and I wonder who wrote that…
When I am feeling the joy, I get inspired from somewhere within or beyond. The essays pour out of me in their entirety. I rarely need to edit.
It is days like today that I just feel like I don’t even know who that other person is and where she gets her cheerful disposition. One of the challenges of being me- I am so freaking emotional and sensitive- I go from one extreme to the other and I find it hard to relate to the other half of me…
In all fairness to those who are traveling a similar path- or whatever your issues, because we all have em- I keep thinking I need to share my dark side as well. Funny, the inspiration doesn’t come when I am singing the blues.
But I do need to share that there are days, even weeks when I question why I am still here. Question God’s plan and how much stronger He/She intends for me to be. I try to allow myself to have “why me” moments, cry and scream, and then let go. Sometimes the letting go doesn’t happen so easily. Sometimes the feeling lingers for weeks. I want to crawl in a hole and, frankly, close my eyes and never wake up.
I feel like I have nothing to give to the people closest to me. As if I am a burden to be contended with. But, even as I write this, I am not looking for pity or people to tell me “no, you are a wonderful person, blah blah…” and I don’t know how to express these feelings here without appearing as though I am inviting that sort of sympathy.
I signed up for hospice to make me comfortable, to create a peaceful environment, let go of the need to fight. But while I hoped things would “ease up” on my journey, the challenges continue to overwhelm me- just when I think it can’t possibly get any worse, it does, somehow. For over a month now, I cannot seem to keep more than one meal a day down. Sometimes just a strawberry will send me running for the nearest bucket. We have tried every nausea med out there. One of them caused my vision to blur- I freaked out that the brain tumors had returned and that I was losing my eyesight! Damn side effect! (Thank GOD!) I am down to 114. Even in my Hollywood days I never dreamed of this svelt-ness. This would put even miss Moss to shame…
As I try to hang onto my faith that things will get better, the news keeps getting worse. I just found out earlier today that my landlady has sold the house I am renting and the new tenants are moving in June 15. I am devastated- and quite frankly in shock. The way it was all carried out makes me question the kindness of the human race! These people actually MET me through a ruse… The land lady traipsed them through the house under the pretense of looking into a plumbing issue or something. As I lay on the sofa with my five year old on my lap, these cold hearted buyers glanced at me and made the bold assumption that I am not long for this world! So thought nothing about putting me and my 5 year old out as I finish my life’s journey.
I am amazed! I mean, what if I am supposed to be here for months, or even years?? They expect me to look for and find another apartment and MOVE?! I cannot even wrap my mind around it!
I feel as though I am being pushed into my grave, yet God has yet to invite me into the afterlife!
When I found this little house a year and a half ago, it meant HOPE to me- Hope that I would survive- that I would get well, that I would have my daughter to raise with a backyard and a real neighborhood. We have created such a loving, wonderful home. And now it is all over. But I am still here!
I have no more fight in me. On days when I feel the sunshine, I feel as though I may have a chance at living the life I deserve- healthy, vibrant, affluent, traveling to book signings and PTA meetings, dining out with friends, vacationing in Hawaii and Greece, taking Zaiden to see family and friends on both coasts, laying on the beach, drinking Margaritas at sunset… But I am beginning to lose all faith…
At this moment I am reflecting on what appears to be a life of failure after failure. 2 failed marriages, an acting career that left me in poverty, I haven’t finished school (I am 11 credits shy of graduating and was hoping to finally hear “Pomp and Circumstance” for my benefit in July), I gave birth to a truly amazing little girl and it doesn’t look as though I will get to see her grow up. I am quite literally at the end of my rope!
I had a long and wonderful talk with my beloved friend and spiritual mentor, Kathy B tonight. God Bless her! She always gives me a new perspective and a reminder of my faith. No matter what I am facing, Kathy has a way of bringing me back to center. She reminded me that when God was “handing out scripts” (to use my vernacular!) – I saw the role of “Karen Kalena Ann Puanani Garcia/Stapleton/von Schnier” and said “OOOO- MEE MEEE!! I want that part!!” Because I do believe that we have a choice in our pre-earthly existence. But right now, I want to renegotiate my contract!! Are there Agents to the Angels or something like this??
I am working on finding a way to believe that God is taking care of me- that there is a plan and that it will work out exactly how and when it is supposed to. But I tell ya, my faith is being tested to the limit! I never imagined I had the strength to get through all I have already endured, and yet, here is another seemingly insurmountable challenge!
I don’t know what I will do- or where to turn except to God and to this writing.
I really don’t enjoy complaining. I know that, in spite of all I am dealing with, I still have many blessings. But, as Zaiden has grown fond of saying (Thank you Hannah Montana!) “AW- COME ON!!!!”
Not quite sure how to close this. I have no words of wisdom. So I invite you, beloved friends and family, please shower me with YOUR faith, YOUR wisdom, YOUR light.
I posted on Facebook the other night that I am in need of some virtual hugs. BRING EM ON! And if you have anything to share, I am all ears.
Blessings to you and yours. Cherish the ones you love. Enjoy the sunshine. Treasure your body and your health. Give your problems over to the one Creator. No one said this would be easy!
Karen
ps- I will find another photo of my home when I get over the shock… For now, this one is me and Koko in front of our fabulous red door. (Before Taxol….)
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12 Responses to “Are you KIDDING me??”
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Cup Half Full is a beautiful, important book of women and men on the journey with breast cancer, photographed by the incredible Katy Tartakoff. I was lucky enough to participate in this important project. It's an amazing book and 75% of all proceeds go to support breast cancer charities.
Peace like a river, love like an ocean, joy like a fountain. I wish this for you.
I knew you from Unity. I wanted to know you better, to become friends, because I felt a connection to all that you’re going through and I still do.
I have found it helps considerably to have a mutual support system with someone who understands. Feel free to email.
I keep thinking about this and it is so ridiculous that you are losing your home! And they weren’t honest about it! COME ON! Absurd. Just too much. ENOUGH, already! You hear that, Universe? Cool it!
your strength of character and courage are truly inspiring. I’m keeping you in my prayers and sending you postive thoughts. God bless you. Lots of love.
Linda and I are requesting that the universe hold you dear. We stand beside you and bear witness to this very dark moment.
Hi Karen
I understand all that you are saying. So sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s but natural. Just want you know that we are here to support you. It’s good to speak your truth. You are a trooper even though you would like to give up. Listen to the small voice and ask for guidance as you have the answers. Love Shilpi
Hi Karen
I understand all that you are saying. So sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s but natural. Just want you know that we are here to support you. It’s good to speak your truth. You are a trooper even though you would like to give up. Listen to the small voice and ask for guidance as you have the answers. Love Shilpi
Hi Karen
I understand all that you are saying. So sorry that you are feeling this way. It’s but natural. Just want you know that we are here to support you. It’s good to speak your truth. You are a trooper even though you would like to give up. Listen to the small voice and ask for guidance as you have the answers. Love Shilpi
Every day greatness.
Ok, if God (Your Self) is keeping you here despite of all these challenges, it can only mean one thing: there has to be a reason for it. Of course, lol, you said so yourself. You get challenges , which are messages and opportunities to change. But change to what? What door have you not opened yet?
You feel like you are only a burden to others. Which means your focus is on you. Being in pain I can understand that very well, but you may start to find minutes, or even seconds to build up greatness to focus on others.
When last summer I thought I was going to die I called my youngest son to let him know. He looked at me and his only words were: “What a pathetic way to die”. It all of a sudden was clear to me that my focus had to shift. The focus of me lying in bed in pain. No, not the focus of visualizing myself, being happy and healthy again as the manifesting trend is, but ‘forgetting’ about me and visualizing how I could offer greatness that is unique to maybe one person, one animal. The thought alone was enough to get me back on my feet, knowing dying was no longer an option to flirt with.
So let’s ask your subconscious mind the questions: What have you not done yet? , Whom have you not given your greatness yet? How much and in what area can you improve to give every day greatness to others, to think about others? It is not thinking in relationship to you, what they mean to you or what you mean to them, it is totally thinking about the beings they are and the need they have in the here and now. Greatness is your mind-set, your decision you are going to give greatness. You do not know how it looks like, as every time it will have a different shape.
You get challenges, which are messages and opportunities to change.
Change to what? What door have you not opened yet?
In regardless what state you would be, even homeless, would you want to help earth and its beings with every day greatness even if it is in your thoughts and for only a few minutes?
Karen, I just watched the video that I made for your fundraiser. I hardly knew you, but wanted to help. It was all I could think of to do for you. Today I sit here on this rainy morning wishing I could help you in another way, but nothing comes to mind. I feel helpless. Could I read you excerpts from 1001 Reasons To Think Positive? Could I provide you a place to live? Hold your hand? Tell you I’m sorry you are dealing with so many challenges or that it’s gonna be alright? None of these seems sufficient. I think many of us are so lost for words or actions that we do nothing. We give you your privacy, but perhaps it’s time for us to show up and speak the truth about our image of you so that are reminded of all that you are and have become in this life.
Karen, you are a true inspiration to me and many others! You are strong, accomplished, determined, beautiful, warm, caring and talented beyond belief! If I wrote a book about your story, nobody would believe it to be true. I mean, who could be so strong in the face of so many challenges?
Your recent post pointed out several unfinished tasks. I think this life is all about working toward our dreams, but I don’t think we are necessarily required to achieve them all. You, my dear, have completed many tasks and chieved more goals than most of us could ever dream of! In the process, your work has touched lives, inspired people, and will forever benefit great causes. I can hear God calling to you now, ‘Well done, Karen!!!’
I’m not easily impressed or inspired, but knowing you for this short time has truly changed my perspective on life and on love. You are someone special and this world is a better place because of you. Believe this! It’s true! Close your eyes with these thoughts and know that you are loved, safe and warm. So many people love you; near and far and forever! Thank you for all that you are and the difference that you make each day!
Love, Annette
I agree with susan’s comment >> susan on April 11th, 2010 4:45 pm << and also with Shilpi's comment that "it's good to speak your truth."
Just feel what you feel. This is not a "dark side" or being extra / overly emotional and sensitive; the feelings expressed in your post about everything that is and has happened to you, are valid, natural, understandable, and need to be voiced.
When negative / bad / overwhelming / traumatic things happen, we each need to be able to express our personal feelings about them and how those events effect us. Your feelings are justified and valid and it's cathartic to express them free from judgment from yourself or others.
Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
(((spiritual hugs)))
You my friend are many things….and burden is no where on that list.
You are strong and beautiful and even when it doesn’t feel like it is possible, you will make the best of each hurdle on your path.
Create an amazing day…..