A New Choice
June 29, 2010 by Karen
I CHOOSE JOY!!
When she spins her yarn, one is held captive, lifted back in time, reliving the adventure alongside her. Her voice depicts pure emotion while she engages her entire body in the telling. She is brave enough to attempt new words such as camouflage and apprehensive (both recently used correctly to my delight). She draws a vivid picture in technicolor and re-experiences the passion of each emotion. She quite literally takes her audience by the hand and guides them through details I am astonished she can recall. Even as far back as 2 years of age.
One thing, however, unsettled me recently while encouraging her to share her Disneyland experiences with Grandma. I listened with anticipation, assuming she would talk about her delight in meeting Mickey & Minnie in person on the way out of the park (we had them all to ourselves before other families even caught on!) or the thrill of SOARIN’ OVER CALIFORNIA (an awesome virtual reality ride… one of the few rides I felt comfortable on- we went twice!). Instead, she began with ” Oh, Grandma, this was soooo sad. I was really scared and I even cried! Right, Momma?” Now, normally I support her freedom to tell it her way, only piping in when invited to help her recall a detail or a name. Her stories can supply clues to how she is really feeling- and obviously I am completely entertained. But on this occasion, I could not bite my tongue- I had to intervene.
Over the past two years, I have often deeply considered what compels me to retell certain stories of my history- those that I remember as painful, and even cause immediate stress in my body in the telling, although I may be recalling an event that is years old (and I believe to have healed from whatever wounds I licked for however long). I spent many of my teen and young adult years enjoying, on some perverse level, the attention and pity bestowed upon me as I portrayed the victim in the drama I created: my own life. An old friend once remarked that he thought I enjoyed it when people “felt sorry” for me. I had never considered the possibility. It sort of made sense. OUCH! That was 11 years ago. Just before I met Rick, Zaiden’s Daddy. I have never forgotten that moment- It stung, but I am glad someone finally said it! I have often reflected on his observation, especially when I discover myself weaving a sad, “poor-me” account. It has taken me years, but I think I am getting more successful at “catching myself.” I don’t berate myself. A mistake is for correction, not punishment. But I do take a moment and ask myself what my purpose is in telling this story. In the words of the late Jeffrey Nikelson, am I “Complainin’ or just ’splainin?” And then I either continue, or choose not to.
I have become gradually more and more conscious of the words that come out of my mouth- and even the thoughts that swim around in my head, or the words on the pages of my journal. The readings I have been devouring of late- modern spiritual writings, holy books and even novels remind me that each of us creates our own reality. That by retelling tales of woe, our subconscious, the Universe, the Law of Attraction or what you will hears that as a request for MORE OF THE SAME! “It” doesn’t know the difference between something that is actually happening and something that is remembered- especially when charged with emotion. By recalling our own suffering, we are actually inviting more suffering into our experience.
A couple of weeks ago, I let Zaiden know that there was something that she needed to do for me that meant a small sacrifice on her part. I predicted her reply: “I don’t want to.” I viewed this as an opportunity for her to grow. I explained to her that, unfortunately, this was not one of those times that she gets to choose whether or not to comply with my wishes. BUT- she did have a choice of how she would respond. And only SHE had the power to make that choice and live with its consequences. She could choose to get upset about it and make her (and my) time miserable, OR she could choose to see it as an exciting adventure, or even a kind favor to Mom. As she considered this, I saw a moment of clarity fill her brown eyes as she surrendered a crooked, knowing smile. And guess what? She had a GREAT TIME!
We all have the same choice! While we don’t always get to choose whether or not to go to the DMV or the dentist, pick up after the dog, or drive in rush hour, we CAN choose how we respond. We can kick and scream, complain to anyone who will listen, and stress out our bodies OR we can find a way to delight in the moment.
I play this little game with myself inspired by the last chapter of Eckert Tolle’s “A New Earth.” Tolle discusses the power that lies within each of us as driven by our thoughts. If the goal is to be truly happy, we must learn to accept what is, find a way to enjoy the moment, and if possible, find excitement in the living of the moment. I made up small signs and posted them everywhere: on the windshield of the car, in the bathroom, on the fridge, in the laundry room- anywhere I might need a reminder. I paired each word with a bright yellow smiley face, depicting an equivalent emotion. The words are ACCEPTANCE, ENJOYMENT, EXCITEMENT. In any given moment, the sign reminds me to take an honest look at where I am. And then I ask myself if it is achievable to “bump up a level.” For example, while sitting in traffic, I have a choice. I can choose to be stressed out that I am going to be late, get angry at the other drivers, cry, call someone on the phone and complain, get out of the car and scream… 
OR I can flip my visor down and find acceptance. I can have a little chat with my ego and remind myself that I am alive, right here and right now, surrender the frustration, remember that my being upset will not change the flow of traffic. Now I am in acceptance. Can I get myself to ENJOYMENT? Probably. I can use the time to (safely!) call a friend to catch up, listen to a favorite CD, sing with my daughter, really take in the sights of nature surrounding me. How about EXCITEMENT? Maybe, maybe not. But I have surprised myself! And just the simple act of playing this game with myself when I am taking care of some mundane task has helped to create far more JOY and far less stress and suffering.
No, we cannot always choose what we are doing. But we and only we have the power to choose how to respond to our circumstances.
There is an old Buddhist story about a monk who was chased by hungry lions off of a cliff. As he hung by his fingertips to the sharp rocks knowing there were only two ways out, and both led to suffering and ultimate death, he noticed a strawberry growing out of the side of the cliff. He somehow plucked that strawberry and took it into his mouth. He savored the sweetness, the texture, the natural beauty of his last strawberry with all his attention. He died, but not without acceptance, enjoyment, and quite possibly, even excitement. (Although not the sort of excitement most of us would invite!)
When Zaiden began her tale of the scary ride at Disneyland that upset her so much, I asked her a simple question. “What makes you wish to consciously, purposely choose to re-experience the painful emotions you felt that day? Is it because you want to experience them again? Or to communicate to God that you want more of the same in the future? Because if this is your goal, I support you. I just want you to be aware of the power you hold by talking about and thinking about painful circumstances. I want to remind you that you and only you have the control over your own thoughts and only you can choose how you want to create your future. It is up to you. For example, you CAN choose, instead to share how you felt when Minnie Mouse gave you a hug, or how brave you were on the same ride that frightened you when you later asked me to take you on it again and ride with you and hold you and talk to you. THAT is a story worth telling, in my opinion, because you faced your fear head on and you grew because of that decision.” Zaiden is used to me talking like this. And I believe in that moment, she got it. I have not heard her tell that story since.
The point is, WE are the ones holding the remote control (or as Zaiden calls it, “the Ma-Rote”) No one else can decide for me. I can choose to continue to retell and relive my sad stories, continue to see myself as a victim of the world, and communicate to the Universe “Please, sir, may I have another!” And this is ok. As long as I am aware that this is my own choosing. Often we become comfortable with a certain familiarity- and suffering is no different.
OR I can make a new choice in this moment, not concerning myself with always or never- just this moment. Search my heart for excitement or enjoyment. And if neither are available to me, then at least acceptance. And later on, when I have a quiet moment alone, reflect on what I may have learned, what I have gained by making a new choice.
With compassion and love in my heart~
Karen
p.s. I am FINALLY, LEGALLY Karen Ann Puanani Garcia!!
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3 Responses to “A New Choice”
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Zaiden is so lucky to have you as a mommy! What wisdom you have to share!
I love this – it’s resonates so much with me too, as the last couple days I found myself telling the same story about how painful it was growing up as a fat kid…and today I was wondering why I thought it was important to tell this story. I decided then to stop hanging on to some outdated tale, let go, and just be here, be happy, be wonderfully me! So thank you. And keep writing!
xoxo
That was just beautiful – very inspiring – wonderful writing!!!
I was the Grandma Ziaden was telling the story to & by speaking to her you changed her
whole outlook & she told me the exciting parts about her day at Disney.
Welcome back to us Karen Ann Puanani Garcia!!!! Love that name!!!
Love you always,
Mom
Hello Karen,
Would love to hear from you. We have missed you at Family to Family Connection- Las Vegas. Please email me.
Michelle