My Final Curtain

January 5, 2011 by Karen  

Always My Angel Baby

Always My Angel Baby

As I enjoy each delicious moment in this tired out young body of mine, I have much time and even a bit of physical energy to truly reflect on the past 42 1/2 blessed years.

I am grateful for this little body- It has served me well for many amazing adventures, including a natural child-birth- the greatest miracle my body certainly ever performed!

I am grateful for my parents, who have loved and encouraged me my whole life through- who gave me wings to soar, who worried about and prayed for me and fought me “for my own good”- but who ultimately allowed me, encouraged me to be exactly who I needed to be- even when it hurt them or they didn’t agree with my choices. I could not have picked more perfect parents for this journey. My heart is filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE for you both.

I am grateful for my brothers, who have always been my favorite boys, my favorite men (whether they know it or not, it is true from the depth of my soul). I love you both so dearly, so deeply, without condition.

I am grateful for my entire BIG, HUGE, CRAZY, FUN extended family: especially Ed and Renee who have been such a special part of my world that could only be fulfilled by each of you. I love you both so much!! I am soooo grateful for the Garcia and Merrill families!!! Thank you for a LIFETIME of love and laughter!

I am grateful for every friend, lover, co-worker- passerby. A relationship can be a lifetime or a moment. Thank you for any moment we shared. We all learn so much form one another in the least expected places. (Stay open to the lesson!).

There are certainly a handful of extraordinary people who will always be regarded in a special place in my heart. Knowing you changed me for the better and I am honored by having shared a special period of our lives…. You all know who you are :)

I am grateful for Rick- for the Father he is and is becoming with Zaiden’s and God’s guidance. (And thank you to all the amazing people Rick has surrounded himself and Zaiden with). He and Zaiden are a wonder to behold.

And more than anything, I am most grateful for my beloved angel daughter. She was a GIFT from Heaven to me these six years and now I humbly gift her back to the world to heal it, to love and nurture it, to grow into the incredible woman I know she is capable of, who will move mountains.

Reflecting on these six years, I can hardly contain my elation. I wish everyone had the kind of peace I hold in my heart now. When I was diagnosed with cancer, chances are I had been afflicted with this disease for a number of years- perhaps even before Zaiden was conceived. Had I known—???? Well, I didn’t and so I lived in ignorant bliss the first two years of Zaiden’s life. She was hardly away from me for a full 2 1/2 years. Once I was diagnosed and told that my life was finite, I was able to then be completely PRESENT each and every single moment we shared. What Mom gets to actually say that?!! And NOW!! Well, now I have orchestra tickets to Zaiden Victoria von Schnier’s production! And I can hardly wait to be seated!!

I have left Zaiden many many tokens, messages, and a published book! (Details will follow on the www.reachforthejoy.org site and perhaps FB, BUT, here is the short version- Hibiscus publishing and Krista Vernoff have agreed to take on When Mommy Got Cancer. With God’s will and the incredible work, compassion and talent of Dr Ruth Clark and Krista Vernoff, my desire to share a bit of our story will be a reality in 2011-2012. Wow!
And now as I prepare for my final bow, there are a couple of things I wish to share.

Today I am so blessed. Each day I wake up, I have only 2 goals: manage my pain, and enJOY each moment. And so I am, and so I do. And God has given me the energy to get around, so I am seeing theatre and films with my parents and friends… And somehow each day, I meet a new person who just wants to talk- and at long last, I am learning to listen with 100% conviction.

My “program notes,” as I prepare to return to my dressing room are as follows:

- LOVE EVERYONE WITHOUT CONDITION- INCLUDING YOURSELF. ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! YOU ARE PERFECT EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. EACH OF US IS ONLY DOING OUR BEST.

- FORGIVE EVERYONE- ESPECIALLY YOURSELF! AGAIN, WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO BE HAPPY AND SAFE.

- BE PRESENT AND FIND A WAY TO ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, EVEN THE TOUGH STUFF – IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION.

These last is a reminder from Zaiden:
-Don’t blame the carpet (you gotta think about it)
- Give 100% focus to your desires while paying NO ATTENTION to what you do not desire.

Heaven is within. I will be holding you all in light. Please pray for my peaceful passing. I have loved each of you.

Go in Peace. I wish you JOY.

Karen
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Filed under: Living Journal
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